“Ice Buckets & Oracles” and “Christmas Might Come Early”

Let me confess that, aside from donating time or money, I rarely understand the odd things done on behalf of charities. For instance, even decades ago when I was an advertising copywriter, my fellow workers would often ask me to donate money based on how far they walked or ran on the weekend. I understood the part about donating, but I couldn’t fathom why the distance they covered should have anything to do with the amount.

These days, a great many people are allowing themselves to be doused with a large bucket of ice water as a way to help finance one cause or another. Although I admit to experiencing a certain joie de vivre each and every time I see some left-wing show biz celebrity being given an ice bath, I fail to see the connection to charity.

Am I to assume that some people have added being assaulted with ice cubes to such bucket list items as enjoying the view from the top of the Eiffel Tower, wind-surfing in Hawaii and helping the Obamas pack up and move out of the White House?

That reminds me that I have some good news to pass along. It seems that two Hawaiian councilmen decided to name a local beach in Barack Obama’s honor, but backed down in the face of public outrage. So it seems that contrary to the popular notion that everyone in Hawaii is a stoned, leftist, slacker, there are still some stoned slackers who haven’t entirely lost their minds in the Aloha State.

One poor soul who must still be addicted to marijuana, even if he may have kicked the nicotine habit, is Obama. How else to explain that in an election year when every Democratic candidate is trying his or her best to distance themselves from the White House, he decides to sabotage their campaigns by announcing, “I’m not on the ballot this time, but my policies are”? What’s next? Will he begin funneling the loot he collects at his endless fund-raisers to the Republican National Committee?

Moving on, I have never understood the objection many people have to capital punishment. I mean, assuming that they themselves are not residing on Death Row, why would anyone object to justice being meted out to cold-blooded killers?

I know that some folks claim that the state should not be engaged in the taking of life. To me, that means they’re so morally dysfunctional that they equate the taking of an innocent life with the taking of a guilty one.

In order to be consistent, would these self-righteous schmucks also object to executing the jihadists beheading Americans, Brits and Kurds, over in Iraq? If not, why not? And if so, what difference does it make to them where the butchery takes place, and what possible reason can they have for punishing murderers in the Middle East more harshly than murderers in, say, the Midwest?

Something else I can’t figure out is why it’s expected to take an entire year to train the Free Syrian Army so they can fight ISIL on our behalf. After all, these are the very same people who have been doing a decent job of fighting Assad’s far more formidable army for the past three years!

Finally, when I ridicule Warren Buffet, it’s not because I’m envious of his enormous wealth. The truth is I would like to be a little richer than I am, but not as rich as Buffet. For one thing, I would never want to devote that much of my life to the accumulation of money. For another thing, I would never want to be 84 years old and have to spend so much time keeping track of it and making sure nobody is stealing it while I’m distracted, busy sleeping or having a tuna fish sandwich.

But when the so-called “Oracle of Omaha” states that Hillary Clinton will win in 2016, I find myself wondering why anyone takes him seriously. I have no problem with his making a prediction, even one with which I happen to disagree. The problem is because he’s very wealthy, a great many people actually think he knows what he’s talking about. It even explains why he’s called the Oracle of Omaha, instead of the Rich Old Coot from Nebraska.

It will obviously come as a thunder bolt to some, but being rich only means that some individuals have the knack for making money, just as some have an ear for music and others have a knack for wiggling their ears.

Bill Gates knows a lot about computers, Donald Trump knows a lot about real estate and Ted Turner knows a lot about sailboats and bourbon, but grown-ups are being childish when they take them seriously when they prattle on about matters outside their expertise. It’s like those young dopes who take to heart every dire warning uttered by Matt Damon about global warming or accept as gospel the nonsense Sean Penn spews forth on the evils of capitalism.

In short, rich people know how to make money in the same way that beavers know how to build dams.

But only a schnook would ask a beaver to predict the outcome of a presidential election or refer to one as an oracle.


Christmas Might Come Early

I understand that many conservatives have come to believe that there is no difference between the two major parties. Some of them even stayed home on Election Day in 2012 and bragged about it to me, as if their refusal to vote for Mitt Romney, thus making it easier for Obama to win a second term, somehow reflected well on them.

If the GOP wins back the Senate and banishes Harry Reid from his current position as the second most powerful politician in Washington, I swear I wouldn’t ask Santa for anything more.

I believe that so many people have repeated the lie about Republican politicians being indistinguishable from Democrats that a lot of people who should know better have swallowed the bilge. One party voted 100% for the Affordable Care Act, the other party opposed it. One party has tried to sweep every scandal from Operation Fast & Furious to Benghazi and the IRS under the carpet, while the other party has tried to get to the bottom of them because, contrary to Hillary’s self-serving lie, the truth always makes a difference. And a lie that is repeated a thousand times isn’t magically transformed into the truth, even though demagogues and those involved in advertising might wish it were otherwise.

More than one person has written to me with the expectation that even if the GOP only gains five Senate seats in the midterm elections, there is a good chance that Joe Manchin (D) of West Virginia might agree to switch his party affiliation, especially if he were to be promised an important committee chairmanship.

My advice to Sen. Manchin is that he should make the switch before Nov. 4th. After all, the GOP stands a very good chance of winning the Senate without him. In which case, he loses his bargaining power and merely looks like the worst sort of political opportunist, sort of like that weasel Jim Jeffords, who switched in the other direction and was thereafter regarded with contempt by those on both sides of the aisle.

Speaking of weasels, no politician should ever have his name attached to anything – be it a bridge, a highway or a post office – unless he personally built it or paid for it. The only exception is his tombstone.

In what has come to be known as American diplomacy, Joe Biden just announced that we are giving Gaza an additional $212 million to help them rebuild everything the Israelis knocked down in retaliation for unending missile attacks. The truth is that most of the money will be spent, not on apartment houses, but to construct new tunnels and buy more Katyushas. So, once again, this administration tries, like so many past ones, to buy the friendship of terrorists. It’s bad enough that it adds to our national debt, but the practice also adds to our national shame.

Interestingly enough, those who have campaigned to change Columbus Day to Indigenous People’s Day believe that the white race has a great deal to be ashamed of when it comes to the way that Indigenous People, otherwise known as Indians, have been treated in this country.

According to the lunkheads, the natives were a kind and peaceful people who lived on loving terms with Mother Nature until Caucasians landed on Plymouth Rock. When you realize that all the tribes were basically Stone Age savages who would inevitably have been overtaken by the modern world, it makes you wonder if these dunces also believe that the blacks in Africa were residing in the Garden of Eden until the Europeans came along.

At least Columbus Day pays tribute to a superb seaman and reminds people to visit an Italian restaurant in the near future. What would a celebration of the Indigenous People look like? Inasmuch as they were notorious for scalping their enemies and devouring their internal organs, I’m sure the menu would leave something to be desired.

As for their creative heritage, when you get past blankets, trinkets, totem poles and wickiups, it hardly measures up to that of the European transplants whose heritage, even in the 1600s, already included Butler, Milton, Moliere, Vermeer, Rembrandt, Velasquez, Donne, Cervantes, Purcell, Bach and Shakespeare. Of course not everyone would agree with me. I’m sure that those whose religion is multiculturalism, and whose devotion to political correctness forever dooms them to be fatuous lunkheads, prefer cave paintings to Rembrandt.

Speak of the Devil, have you heard that in Nebraska, school kids are being told to call each other Purple Penguins because terms such as “boys” and “girls” might be offensive to transgendered eight year olds? It’s all part of an agenda prepared by an organization calling itself Gender Spectrum, which seeks to make bathrooms accessible to one and all, no matter the nature of the individual’s plumbing. Funny, one used to be able to assume a certain level of commonsense from Midwesterners, but that was before the Purple Penguin crowd moved in and took control of school boards and city councils, forcing normal people to park their brains at the curb.

But the lunacy unfortunately isn’t limited to Nebraska, Iowa or any of those other flat rectangular states. In Washington, D.C., the resident space aliens refuse to stop incoming flights from West Africa, even though France and England have done so in an attempt to keep Ebola from taking root in their countries. The only reason we don’t follow suit is because most of those flights are carrying black passengers, and no politician wants to risk being labeled racist, even though their cowardice might lead to an epidemic of terrifying proportions.

By deciding not to rule on the constitutionality of same-sex marriages, the Supreme Court allowed lower court rulings to stand, thus pretty much making it the law of the land.

In just about every state that has placed the issue on the ballot, the people have voted against it. Nevertheless, we’re told that polls indicate that Americans have changed their minds. That may well be true. But I’d hate to think that most Americans don’t share my objection to unelected federal judges assuming the authority to override the laws of Congress and the stated will of the people, which in 1996 led the House and Senate to overwhelmingly enact the Defense of Marriage Act.

We appear to be trying very hard to turn ourselves into a Third World nation brimming over with indigenous knuckleheads of the sort who lack the most basic skills and have to import even our blankets and cheap trinkets from China.

I’m beginning to think I may have been a tad too hasty when I hopped off Santa’s lap.

Burt’s Webcast is every Wednesday at Noon Pacific Time.
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©2014 Burt Prelutsky. Comments? Write BurtPrelutsky@aol.com.




Trail Balloons

Politicians are always floating trial balloons to test the winds for their various programs. I have my own balloons, and I often wish I could use them to float off to another planet

For instance, I received an email from a fellow who had spent 40 years working in procurement for the U.S. military. He was calling my attention to how quickly the federal government got those signs announcing the shutdown printed and posted all across the country, at every national park and monument. As he says, it’s not as if they just happened to have those thousands of 3×4-foot signs lying around since the last shutdown 17 years ago.

He estimates that they had to have started getting them ready at least six months ago, and the only person who could have authorized the massive project is the schmuck in the Oval Office.

On the other hand, he had over a year and $500 million to spend getting ready for ObamaCare, and that was a total disaster, with apparently only a dozen Americans signed in and signed up after the first two weeks of the grand opening.

My assumption is that merely proves Obama can only juggle one catastrophe at a time, confirming him to be the sort who can walk and chew gum, but not simultaneously.

Some people are convinced that Obama was born in Kenya. I confess that I simply don’t know. I confess, though, that it wouldn’t shock me to learn that he had been born in the Aloha State. After all, Hawaii is even more liberal than California. In fact, it’s so far to the left, they couldn’t even find a place for it on the mainland; they had to stick it way out in the middle of the ocean. Unfortunately, they let it remain above sea level.

By this time, you have probably heard about the school that banned football, baseball and soccer from recess, lest a kid be hurt with a hard ball. Instead, they have them using Nerfballs. I suppose the next step is to eliminate language, history and math, from the curriculum because they’re hard subjects.

Along the same lines, the President’s Council on Fitness, Sports and Nutrition, has put the kibosh on three postage stamps in a series dedicated to healthy activities. The problem is that they showed a kid on a skateboard without knee pads, a kid cannonballing into a pool and a kid doing a handstand without a helmet.

I’m almost too shocked to ask the question, but what kid has ever performed a handstand while wearing a helmet? And what sort of loon do you have to be to be appointed to this council, and just what activities have they been performing without a helmet that’s left them in this tragic brain-damaged condition?

I’ve noticed that whenever anything unfortunate occurs, we can trust some pompous ass in Washington to declare “We must never allow this to happen ever again,” even though it’s something they are powerless to prevent. My theory is that by making that pointless statement, it makes them feel as if they’ve actually done something.

But when I say we must never allow this to happen again, I am referring to the election of Barack Obama, and I mean it. I understand that he, personally, can never run again, but that’s not good enough. The thing that must never happen again is electing someone simply because he or she is black, Jewish, Hispanic, gay, female or suffer from a physical disability.

For one thing, it’s a really dumb thing to do. I mean, it’s even dumber than most of the reasons we vote for some shmoe. For another, once one of these people is elected president and you happen to disagree with their policy, you will be labeled a bigot, an anti-Semite, a misogynist, a homophobe or just plain heartless.

Moreover, if you vote for anyone whose resume mentions time spent as a community organizer, which is just another name for a left-wing troublemaker, you shouldn’t be labeled anything. Instead, you should be belted with a baseball bat.

The Nobel Peace Prize, which has replaced the Stalin Peace Prize for all intents and purposes, has gone this year to the Organization for the Prohibition of Chemical Weapons, a Hague-based group dedicated to eliminating poison gas. But inasmuch as it has no authority to do anything, it’s really just another of those organizations with a high-sounding name that’s created so that it’s overpaid members can live high, wide and handsomely, off their expense accounts.

The million dollar prize could have gone to Malala Yousafzai, the 16-year-old Pakistani who has been an advocate for Middle East girls being given an education. After all, for her efforts to bring civilization belatedly to the Muslim world, she took a bullet in the face when the Taliban attempted to assassinate her last year. There is still a fatwa on her and her father. The only risk to those clowns who received the Peace Prize is a severe case of the gout.

Generally when it comes to our nation’s enemies, we speak longingly of bombing them back to the Dark Ages. However, when referring to the Taliban and their vile comrades in Al Qaeda and the Muslim Brotherhood, who already dwell in the Dark Ages, their appropriate fate would be to wake up with missing limbs in the Ice Age.

©2013 Burt Prelutsky. Comments? Write BurtPrelutsky@aol.com.