Placing A Bounty On Progressives

If the world made far more sense than it does, conservatives, the folks with guns, would be allowed to shoot liberals during hunting season. They wouldn’t shoot all of them. Conservatives, after all, are conservationists at heart. All they’d do is to periodically thin the herd, the way they do with bears, elk and rabbits.

The upshot would be that there’d be fewer of them voting and the roads wouldn’t be nearly as crowded. If that seems too drastic a proposal, I’ll remind you that they re-elected Obama last November. These creatures are dangerous, especially in large numbers.

How dangerous are they? Well, here in California, where the Democrats hold super majorities in both state houses, there are bills pending in the Assembly that would give additional rights to bums and gang members, allow illegal aliens to vote in our elections and allow high school students the choice of which locker rooms and bathrooms they decide to use, regardless of their official gender.

I realize that even some conservatives are up in arms over the NSA mining phone numbers. I attribute this mainly to the fact that the federal government has been acting sleazier than usual lately. Between Benghazi, the IRS and the monitoring of AP and Fox reporter James Rosen, even normal people could find themselves indulging in a little paranoia.

Frankly, I see no problem with a super computer trying to find a pattern of phone calls from such cesspools as Iran, Yemen and Pakistan, to phones in the U.S. It is only after such a pattern has been discovered that the government can seek a warrant in order to disclose the identity of the person receiving the calls. I understand that the wrong administration could possibly get around the law, and we have just such an administration right now. But we are engaged in a war with people who enjoy nothing better than killing and maiming Americans, and unless you wish to give them the same hunting privileges I am seeking for conservatives, I think you should worry less about the NSA and more about the USA.

Besides, is someone actually going to try to listen to several billion calls a day? I don’t think so. As things stand, some entity or other already knows just about everything there is to know about us. Your banks and credit card companies know how you spend your money. The IRS knows the charities and political organizations to which you make contributions. Your mailman knows what magazines and journals you receive. The public library and Amazon know what books you read. The phone company, Google and Facebook, know who your friends and associates are. The cable and satellite companies know what you’re watching on TV. And if your wife and in-laws aren’t certain you’re spending an awful lot of time watching porn, they surely have their suspicions.

It reminds me of a few years ago when there was a move on to give everybody a national identity number and the ACLU raised a big stink about it, insisting we’re all individuals, not numbers. At the time, I recall thinking “Oh, really? We’re people with phone numbers, driver’s licenses, license plates, street addresses, business licenses, credit and Social Security cards, along with savings and checking accounts, and we want to insist we’re individuals? And don’t forget to toss in all those numbers attached to our various insurance policies. I’m not saying that we’re not more than the sum of our accumulated numbers, but without them, you’d have to be a hermit living in a cave.”

Another example of the liberal mind at work recently took place in Hayward, California, where the city held the first, and I hope last, toy gun buyback program. Kids were encouraged to turn in their plastic weapons in exchange for books and, I suspect, dolls. You can never start too soon, I always say, if you ever want to repeal the Second Amendment.

Speaking of which, someone recently sent me a photo of Lois Lerner, the former IRS big wig who went before Congress to announce she had done nothing wrong just before taking the Fifth. Under the photo, there was a caption that read: “It’s easy to ignore the Constitution, until you need it to save your ass.”

I barely knew whether to laugh or cry when James Clapper, head of National Intelligence, in responding to a congressional committee regarding his earlier questionable testimony, said, “I gave the least untruthful answer I could give.”

Somewhere I could imagine George Washington kicking himself: “Why didn’t I think to say that when Father asked me about the damn cherry tree?”

Finally, lest you think I only want Democrats to be fair game, I’d favor a hunting season for Republicans, too, just a much shorter one. We could start with John McCain. This arrogant numbskull flew off to meet with rebel leaders in Syria and returned, insisting America should back them against Bashar al-Assad. When someone asked him if that wouldn’t be dangerous, considering that the rebel forces are rife with Al Qaeda members, Sen. McCain, looking for all the world like Alfred E. Neuman, replied: “I can tell the good guys from the bad guys.”

Unfortunately for McCain, the photo he had taken to commemorate the occasion showed him posing with his new best friends, both of whom were known to be Islamic terrorists.

But one can’t really blame him too much. After spending 26 years in the U.S. Senate, even jihadists probably don’t seem like such bad apples.

©2013 Burt Prelutsky. Comments? Write