This Just In: War Breaks Out — Thank You, God

Every now and then a war breaks out that is actually fun to watch. The kind of war where you’re hoping both sides lose.  Thankfully, such a war has now erupted, and right here in the United States of Entertainment.  On one side is a man who gives the term “nut job” a bad name.  On the other, a man who gives the term “Al Gore” a bad name.

Yes, fans of chaos, this is the war pitting Keith Olbermann against Al Gore; a war between the biggest name on Current TV (which is like calling somebody the tallest midget in the room) and the Nobel Peace Prize winner who co-founded the left-wing network.  If this were a movie it would be called “Dumb and Dumber, the Sequel.”

Olbermann worked for Current TV until a few weeks ago when he got fired for, among other things, not showing up to work.  Hey, give the poor guy a break. He was making only $10 million a year.  Not one to tolerate injustice, he sued Current TV seeking as much as $70 million for lost wages over the life of his contract and for an equity stake in the company that was part of the allure to get him to sign.

Just the other day, thing got interesting. Current TV fired back.  It counter-sued Olbermann, claiming, as one news report put it, that, “he failed to perform his duties for the progressive television network and saying it does not owe him ‘a dime’ of the millions Olbermann claims he is owed.”

Before we move on, let’s remember that Gore (and Current TV’s co-founder Joel Hyatt) hired Olbermann knowing full well that he was a time bomb with horned rimmed glasses, that he was an escapee from a mental institution – that institution going under the name MSNBC.  So Al Gore makes a chuckle-headed move like that and we’re supposed to trust him when he says global warming is going to destroy the planet?  Forgive me if I’m skeptical.

One of my favorite pastimes is watching progressives get ugly.  I mean, they’re so compassionate most of the time, right? And that’s the best thing about the Olbermann-Gore War – the pure, rotten nastiness of it all.

After he got dumped, Olbermann fired a broadside against Gore and Hyatt saying in his lawsuit that there were so many technical problems at their network that it looked like “an unprofessional cable-access show.”  Ouch!

Here’s what the network’s lawyers put in their counter-suit against Olbermann: “Current seeks a determination that it is no longer obligated to pay a dime to Mr. Olbermann who, having already been paid handsomely for showing up sporadically and utterly failing to keep his end of the bargain, now seeks to be paid tens of millions more for not working at all.”

Olbermann apparently got so sick of the Mickey Mouse operation at Current TV that he went AWOL.  According to the lawsuit against him, he worked only 19 of 41 business days in January and February and refused to work on the network’s primary election coverage. Question:  Why should he have to work on election coverage?  After all, he was only in charge of NEWS at Current TV.

But Olbermann’s lawsuit says, “After being on the air for nearly eight months — long after all ‘growing pains’ should have ceased — Current still couldn’t manage to, literally, keep the lights on.”

Maybe, but the counter-suit says that Olbermann was a giant pain in the ass, that he rejected seven limousine companies, that he refused to cooperate in promotional discussions and that he took vacations with little notice. The suit also claims that Olbermann got especially annoyed one time and threw a glass mug on the set.

After reading the charges and the counter charges, I came to a conclusion:  There is a God.  And He likes me.  He really, really likes me!  Why else would he let this show go on?

One more thing: Each night, Keith Olbermann, the biggest star on Current TV, attracted 177,000 viewers.

I had more people at my Bar Mitzvah.

Please God, don’t let it stop.

A Plea For Intolerance

Lately, you have probably noticed that Mayor Michael Bloomberg has taken to lecturing the rest of us on tolerance. I call it presumptuous, as well as ill-timed. It’s presumptuous because he believes that he, alone, is in a position to tell Americans how we should feel about a massive mosque being built next to Ground Zero, as if being wealthy and an elected official somehow provided him with a moral superiority that we mere mortals could never hope to match.

I call it ill-timed because I, and I suspect millions of others, have gotten sick and tired of being told it’s our duty to be tolerant of the foolish, the greedy and, ironically, those most committed to intolerance.

Over the past decade or so, we have had homosexuals demand same-sex marriages, self-righteously comparing themselves to blacks during the bad days of slavery and Jim Crow; we’ve had illegal aliens claim they’re entitled to everything that goes with citizenship, including education, medical care and even voting rights; we’ve had Muslims insist that they’ve every right to be taxi drivers even though they refuse to pick up blind people if they’re accompanied by seeing eye dogs and entitled to work in supermarkets even though they refuse to sell alcohol or pork products; and, lest you forget, we have enemy combatants who have never worn a uniform or fought under a national flag insisting they’re protected by the Geneva Conventions and the U.S. Constitution.

Mayor Bloomberg, being a liberal, naturally has sawdust for brains and chutzpah to burn. Left-wingers are convinced that if you make nice with your sworn enemies, they’ll see the error of their ways. They’re the same folks who discipline their young by giving them time-outs. That consists of the spoiled tots being sent off to their rooms, rooms that quite often resemble a Toys R Us warehouse. The predictable results of this approach to parenting are all those noisy little brats running wild, with impunity, in shops, schools and restaurants.

In other news, the American taxpayer spent $50 billion bailing out G.M., ensuring that Obama could continue to count on a constant flow of UAW contributions to the DNC. Obama, you may recall, even went so far as firing the company’s CEO and replacing him with a government bureaucrat who could barely tell the difference between a carburetor and a carbuncle. Now, GM has announced its plan to invest $50 million in its Ramos Arizpe plant, in northern Mexico, in order to produce a new line of engines. It will lead, the company claims, to the creation of 390 jobs. Unfortunately, those jobs will be in the state of Coahuila, not Michigan.

Recently, while watching the Bill O’Reilly show, I heard substitute host Laura Ingraham, one of my favorite conservative pundits, mention her children. That led me to wonder who her husband was, so I paid a visit to the Internet. It seems the lady has never been married, and that the children were adopted, the girl from Guatemala, the boy from Russia.

Although Ms. Ingraham has never walked down the aisle, she has twice been engaged — first to conservative writer Dinesh D’Souza and then to businessman James Reyes. But as I read on, I discovered that she had had meaningful relationships with the former Democratic senator from New Jersey, Robert Torricelli and with — hold on to your hat! — MSNBC’s Keith Olbermann.

At first, I, too, was shocked. But perhaps it was those very relationships that made her the staunch conservative she is today. Frankly, I think spending even just an hour with Olbermann would be enough to make Howard Dean rush out and change his party registration.

Maybe because I’m lucky enough to be married to someone who shares all of my political beliefs, I can’t imagine being connected to someone who shares none of them. I could never even grasp how Richard Nixon and Hubert Humphrey could be great friends, unless all they ever talked about was baseball. And for the life of me, I can’t begin to think of Mary Matalin and James Carville except in terms of a TV sitcom. I mean, how is it possible that professional operatives for opposing political parties can get through a single day with neither one taking an axe to the other?

It is to Ms. Ingraham’s everlasting credit that Olbermann has called her the Worst Person in the World nearly as often as he has labeled Carl Rove, Dick Cheney and George Bush as such. It is, interestingly enough, an insult he has bestowed on Mahmud Ahmadinejad only twice, and one of those times I believe it was for committing the fashion faux pas of wearing a windbreaker to the U.N.

But you would think that even a knucklehead like Olbermann would understand that there can only be one worst person in the world, just as there can only be one tallest person, one oldest person and, yes, even one biggest knucklehead.

Finally, I want to know how Bradley Manning, a mere PFC, managed to access
all the thousands of pages of classified documents that Wikileaks has posted on its traitorous site.

The only scenario I have been able to come up with is that one morning, the top sergeant entered the barracks and announced, “I need a dozen of you on latrine duty, seven of you for KP, and you, Manning, you’ll be in charge of swiping state secrets.”

©2010 Burt Prelutsky
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