America Is On Life Alert + Bonus: Rumors, Riddles & Rebuttals

As I sit here, apparently everyone in Washington, D.C. is mulling over what to do about Syria. For my part, I’m mulling over what to do about Washington, D.C. It just seems to me that America has fallen and can’t get up.

I know that I am expected to be up in arms over chemical weapons being employed by Bashar al-Assad, assuming that the intelligence is better now than it was prior to the Iraq invasion. But I have never understood the moral outrage connected to weaponry. Neither have I ever grasped the lunacy of war being waged according to some grotesque version of Marquis of Queensbury rules. As I see it, wars are fought in order to defeat one’s enemy before he has a chance to defeat you. And the faster you do it, the better.

I understand that chemical weapons are supposed to be beyond the pale, and that civilized people are expected to rail against their use. But am I the only person who finds it absurd that a few hundred people being murdered by poison gas is supposed to trump the 120,000 who have been killed by bombs and bullets in Syria?

If you’re out to kill people, I don’t think the means make all that much difference. I always thought the flamethrowers we used in the South Pacific during WWII were pretty horrific, but they make a lot of sense when you’re engaged in jungle warfare.

As you probably know, I have not chosen sides when it comes to Syria. I suppose if I were compelled to side with one group, it would be the anti-Assad forces simply because he’s allied with Russia and Iran, not because I see any real difference between those lined up against him and the Islamic vermin we’ve spent the past decade fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Speaking of the Middle East, why is Fox correspondent Leland Vittert reporting on Egypt and Syria from Jerusalem? I’m not saying I blame him. I wouldn’t want to be risking life and limb just to give eye witness reports from those hot spots, either. But why not let him report from New York or Omaha or wherever he happens to live? I just know that I wince every time he goes into his drama queen act, pretending he’s ducking bullets and scud missiles, when I know he’s miles away from where the action is.

Madness also reigns closer to home. For instance, we have New York City, where the cost of keeping a perp in jail now runs $167,000-a-year, and California, where the state legislators are anxiously waiting for Jerry Brown to sign a bill that would allow non-citizens to sit on juries. It’s hard to believe, but the people responsible for such lunacies weren’t just handed their jobs. They didn’t inherit them. They were all duly-elected by the very saps who have to pay their salaries.

It seems that the Veterans Administration is such a mess that injured warriors are waiting months, sometimes years, before they can expect to start receiving disability checks. And these guys probably thought the Taliban scumballs were ruthless. But, like all federal agencies, the folks at the VA reside in a parallel universe where incompetence is awarded. The agency recently announced that it was handing out $5.5 million in bonuses to its employees. But, at least so far as we know, no Purple Hearts will be awarded these dedicated bureaucrats.

We keep being told by Democrats that photo IDS are discriminatory to minorities and the elderly. Being a 73-year-old Jew, you would think by now I would be aware of the fact I am being systematically deprived of my vote. Well, in a sense, being a conservative in California, I suppose I am. After all, no matter how often I vote against Jerry Brown, Gavin Newsom, Barbara Boxer, Dianne Feinstein and Brad Sherman, those mooks keep winning.

But at least I get to cast my meaningless vote. So I have to wonder, who are these millions of people who have been disenfranchised? I’m also wondering why it’s only their inability to vote every few years that seems to trouble Eric Holder. Why isn’t he complaining that all these blacks, Latinos and seniors, can’t buy beer or cigarettes; board an airplane; drive a car; enter a courthouse or a federal building, including the House. Senate and his own Department of Justice; or, for that matter, attend one of Obama’s speeches or even show up for one of Mrs. Obama’s occasional lectures?

Finally, we are told that by 2020, thanks to older doctors retiring and younger doctors opting to go into research rather than deal with ObamaCare, America will have 90,000 fewer doctors than we’ll need.

It’s only a rumor at this point, but, according to someone high up at the Department of Health and Human Services, it seems that between now and 2020 Doc Gooden, Neil “Doc” Simon, Doc Severinsen and Dr. Seuss, will all be opening offices to help take up the slack.

BONUS: Rumors, Riddles & Rebuttals

I’ve heard that a five million dollar class action lawsuit has been filed here in California on behalf of those people who purchased copies of Lance Armstrong’s autobiography in which he swore that he had never used performance-enhancing drugs. Their claim is based on the fact that when they purchased the book, it was represented by the subject and his publisher to be non-fiction.

I am not a member of the lawsuit because I didn’t buy the book, having no interest whatsoever in the life of a professional bicyclist. Perhaps my interest would have been piqued if he’d won all those races riding a unicycle or while juggling dishes, but that’s pretty much the same reason I gave Obama’s memoirs a wide berth.

However, I pray the litigants win their multi-million dollar judgment. What an earth-shattering precedent it would set if every two-bit politician who decides, like Obama, to attach his name to a ghost-written book knew that his self-aggrandizing lies could wind up biting him in the wallet.

I keep hearing from readers taking me to task over my defense of the NSA, which essentially came down to my insistence that if their monitoring of phone calls between Yemen and Omaha could prevent another 911 or Boston massacre, we should be cheering the agency on. Anyone who believes that their phone numbers are somehow protected by the Constitution has apparently never received a call from a telemarketer.

As I see it, anyone who has concluded that the NSA is corrupt just because the IRS and the Justice Department are, is as silly as someone assuming that the IRS and Eric Holder are doing a great job just because the NSA seems to be.

While Obama likes to pretend that the economy is on the road to recovery simply because the unemployment rate has dropped to 7.4%, he naturally chooses to ignore the fact that as a result of his policies, the bureaucratic zealots at the EPA and the misnamed Affordable Care Act, the actual rate — if those who have dropped out of the work force or have had to settle for part-time employment are included — is a staggering 14.3%.

Another case of economic legerdemain is performed on a daily basis by those who keep reporting on record highs being achieved by the stock market. If the Federal Reserve ever stops pumping Monopoly money into the system, the result will remind old-timers of the crash that took place in October, 1929.

The only statistic that warms the cockles of my heart is the 16.1% unemployment rate among millennials, the $50 dollar word they’ve concocted to describe people in their 20s. So far as I’m concerned, they deserve to be sentenced to a lifetime in their parents’ basement for having trooped out last November and cast 70% of their votes for the incumbent, aka The Cool Dude.
Speaking of which, in his attempt to increase the number of Democratic voters, Obama has not only decided to stop prosecuting drug dealers, but is encouraging Mexican aliens to claim political asylum in the U.S., even going so far as to pick up the tab for their hotel rooms in San Diego.

In the past, such asylum has only been granted to those who actually feared reprisal from the likes of Stalin, Hitler, Mao and Castro. If Obama is going to play this nasty partisan game, I want the Republicans in Congress to demand that Obama go on record, condemning Mexico for violating human rights.

A friend of mine pointed out that we have been constantly lectured by the liberals in Washington and the media not to judge all Muslims by the actions of a few lunatics, while, on the other hand, we are encouraged by the likes of Obama, Holder, Feinstein, Schumer and Biden, to condemn all gun owners for the actions of a tiny number of loons.

Finally, to paraphrase Shakespeare, what fools some of these mortals be! Even after Al Gore and his fellow hucksters were forced by cooling temperatures to change “global warming” to “climate change” in order to keep the money and research grants rolling in, we continue to hear those on the left demanding that the coal industry be shut down and the Keystone pipeline be scuttled.

You can hardly come up with a better example of human arrogance. Imagine believing we human beings have the power to control the earth’s climate when we can’t even deal with a single cyclone or hurricane except by cowering in a cellar until Mother Nature, in her own good time, decides to move it along or let it blow itself out.

©2013 Burt Prelutsky. Comments? Write

Some Really Inconvenient Truths

Barack Obama would like you to believe that it’s white guys with assault weapons and NRA memberships that commit most of the murders in this country. But the truth, and he knows it, is that although whites comprise 67% of the population, Hispanics 16% and blacks, just 13%, blacks are responsible for roughly half the murders in America. The murder rate among blacks is eight times as high as among whites. Sadly, it is one area in which they truly overachieve.

But do you ever hear Obama, Biden, Bloomberg, Feinstein or Cuomo, mention it? Of course not. They would rather grab headlines by running their mouths off about guns with large magazines instead of urban punks with a lot of attitude, but no brains and even less compassion.

If we ever wanted to get serious about gun violence, we would send the military into places a lot more violent than the Middle East. I refer to Chicago, L.A., Philadelphia, Detroit and Houston. But even Bill Clinton, “the first black president,” had to retreat from dealing with the black gangs in Somalia when he realized how badly it would play on CNN. It’s one thing to be seen playing Lady Bountiful with other people’s money in Haiti and quite another to deal with blacks the same way one would if they were white Croatians.

Frankly, what people do with their own money is their own business, but why an American would bother sending dough to Haiti when our physically and mentally wounded war veterans are going begging is beyond me. But I also can’t begin to fathom why, at the same time we are going down the fiscal drain, we keep sending billions of dollars to the likes of Egypt, Russia, Jordan, the Sudan, Pakistan Iraq and to terrorist groups in Gaza. And why on earth are we sending hundreds of millions of dollars to Mexico when they not only refuse to shut down their side of the border, but recently arrested and imprisoned an ex-U.S. Marine on trumped-up gun charges, and then ignored repeated calls from the State Department. They simply refused to spring the poor guy until Bill O’Reilly threatened to put a big hurt on Mexico’s tourist industry. One has to suspect that if, instead of coddling the Mexican goons, Obama or Mrs. Clinton had threatened to cut off their annual bribe, it would have taken Mexico about four seconds to release Jon Hammar, not four months.

Getting back to guns for a minute, the number of accidental gun deaths in America averages around 1,500-a-year. The number of accidental deaths caused by physicians and hospitals is over 120,000. I leave it to you to decide which poses the greater danger, guns or healthcare providers.

I do think the NRA has gone about fighting those who would revoke the Second Amendment pretty much the same stupid way the U.S. has waged every war since 1945 – as if it were being conducted by the Three Stooges.

Traditionally, the NRA contributes a ton of money to politicians who support them and perhaps even more to defeating those who oppose them. Well, I happen to think the NRA is wasting its money by ignoring the PR battle it should be waging and winning. Instead of funding individual campaigns, they should be more concerned with public opinion. They should be running TV commercials featuring the actual men and women who have used guns to defend themselves and their families from violent criminals.

The way things are now, the other side simply waits for the next massacre. Then they troop out the survivors – people like James Brady or Gabby Giffords or the parents of the Newtown kids – and, thus, they inevitably win the battle on emotional, if not Constitutional, grounds.

But if the NRA would simply wise up, we would soon begin seeing the gun-toting mothers and fathers on TV, the folks you never even hear about in the national media. They’re the folks who didn’t just wait around for the cops to draw chalk outlines of their dead bodies on the kitchen floor, but, instead, put their guns to the use for which they were bought and paid for.

Once they’ve won the hearts and minds of the American public, the NRA won’t have to worry so much about whether the right person gets elected; the public will see to it.

Although God knows we already have too many laws on the books, one I would like to see enacted is that nobody who is injured or killed during the commission of a felony is entitled to sue. That would of course preclude his relatives from suing his intended victims. Think of it as an extension of the Good Samaritan Law.

Speaking of legislation, the 2011 Former Presidents Act provides Carter, Clinton and the two Bushes, with a $3.7 million slush fund. The idea that our tax dollars are paying anything towards the upkeep of these millionaires is revolting. It doesn’t get any better when you discover that Clinton uses a portion of this windfall to connect 10 TVs in his office to DirecTV. It doesn’t seem like a stretch to imagine that he’s regularly tuned in to “Busty Coeds Vs. Lusty Cheerleaders,” “Sex Games Cancun: The Last Temptation of Hank” and “Hotel Erotica.”

For a while, I figured it was a toss-up when it came to the most disgusting athlete in America. One day, being a baseball fan, I would think that it came down to Roger Clemons, Barry Bonds, Sammy Sosa or Mark McGwire. But then I’d see a list of all the illegitimate children sired by the over-paid goons who populate the NBA, and they’d fast break into the lead. But I kept overlooking Lance Armstrong. That was probably because the notion of considering a bike rider an athlete goes against everything Americans hold dear. It’s no accident that he had to go to France to get anyone’s attention in the first place. Leave it to the French to get excited about a sport even duller and sillier than soccer.

In the good old days, when it was time to atone, people paid a visit to their priest or minister, or at least showed up at an AA meeting. Now they confess all to Oprah. Of course in Armstrong’s case, he was less concerned with his soul than he was with his brand. Sponsors, a notoriously touchy bunch, don’t usually want their product associated with a cheat and a liar, especially one who has spent the past decade viciously slandering anybody who dared question his integrity.

The real mystery to me is how anyone, particularly a schmuck with the looks and personality of an embalmer, could get that rich and famous riding a damn bicycle.

©2013 Burt Prelutsky. Comments? Write