The Rabbi’s Advice

One of the many oddities of this administration is that while it’s constantly referring to congressional Republicans as bomb-throwing terrorists, villains with whom it’s useless to negotiate, they are always willing to give away the store to actual bomb-throwing terrorists in Syria, Iran, Afghanistan and Palestine.

The fact is that they were so fearful that the Palestinians were going to walk away from peace talks with the Israelis, Kerry slipped them a $75 million bribe to stay at the table and continue the charade. Even though everyone knows that the Palestinians have no desire to reach a peaceful agreement with the Jews, with this administration, everything is finally about optics, and Obama and Kerry thought it would look bad if the Arabs left in a huff.

Meanwhile, in Libya, dozens of our armored vehicles, along with grenade launchers, night-vision goggles and hundreds of weapons, have been stolen and are now in the hands of the Muslim Brotherhood – all without a single background check. It seems that Operation Fast and Furious was just a dress rehearsal.

Although the Democrats insist that when Republicans call for an end to state-subsidized birth control pills and abortions it’s all part of the GOP’s war on women, the real war is the one that feminists and liberals are waging on the middle class. After all, why should strangers be expected to pay for all those pills and operations?

With liberals, when it comes to anything having to do with sex, no matter what bizarre form it takes, the only thing that matters is that it be consensual between two or, okay, maybe three or four people. But, when there’s a bill to be paid for all that sexual activity, it suddenly becomes everyone’s business. The other thing to keep in mind is that whenever the government is picking up the tab (with our tax dollars), people are going to take increasing advantage of the product or service.

As I see it, there’s already too much screwing around taking place in Washington, D.C. Why do anything to encourage that sort of thing in other parts of the country?

A recent poll indicates that 69% of the people wish to return to the health care system that was in place in 2009. It figures, human nature being what it is. Four years ago, people often whined about unnecessary medical tests, long waits in the doctor’s office or slow payment by the insurance companies. But now we all look back with a sense of nostalgia and refer to them as the good old days.

I’m reminded of a story told, as I recall, by the Jewish writer Sholem Aleichem. A married couple in a poor Russian village never stopped fighting. Finally, they agreed to go to the rabbi and ask for his advice. After patiently listening to their various complaints, he advised them to go home and bring their cow into the house. It made no sense, but the rabbi had spoken, and they were so desperate, they brought the cow into the house.

But the fighting continued unabated. Back to the rabbi they went. He told them to bring a horse in to join the cow. It still made no sense, but they were devout Jews and it wasn’t their place to argue with the wisest man in the village.

But even the cow didn’t bring peace to the household. It only increased the problem. After a couple of days, they returned to the rabbi. This time, he suggested they bring their two goats indoors. By this time, they seriously began to suspect that the rabbi had gone nuts, but they couldn’t see how things could get much worse than they already were with the other livestock wandering around their little house.

They soon discovered how wrong they were. On top of everything else, the goats smelled like goats. By this time, the husband and wife were clearly at the end of their tether, and they returned to the rabbi to complain that he had only succeeded in compounding their wretchedness.

The rabbi heard them out, nodded sagely and then suggested that they collect the horse, the cow and the goats, and return them to the barn.

The couple did just that, and found such relief that they never again exchanged a cross word.

If you think of the Affordable Care Act as farm animals that have been invited into all of our homes, where they are free to graze on the furniture and poop on the floor, you’d understand why if we could magically turn the clock back four short years, nobody would ever again gripe about America’s health care system.

I’ll leave you with a terrifying thought that has recently been plaguing me. It’s often been said that people get the government they deserve. What if it’s true?

©2013 Burt Prelutsky. Comments? Write BurtPrelutsky@aol.com.




Trail Balloons

Politicians are always floating trial balloons to test the winds for their various programs. I have my own balloons, and I often wish I could use them to float off to another planet

For instance, I received an email from a fellow who had spent 40 years working in procurement for the U.S. military. He was calling my attention to how quickly the federal government got those signs announcing the shutdown printed and posted all across the country, at every national park and monument. As he says, it’s not as if they just happened to have those thousands of 3×4-foot signs lying around since the last shutdown 17 years ago.

He estimates that they had to have started getting them ready at least six months ago, and the only person who could have authorized the massive project is the schmuck in the Oval Office.

On the other hand, he had over a year and $500 million to spend getting ready for ObamaCare, and that was a total disaster, with apparently only a dozen Americans signed in and signed up after the first two weeks of the grand opening.

My assumption is that merely proves Obama can only juggle one catastrophe at a time, confirming him to be the sort who can walk and chew gum, but not simultaneously.

Some people are convinced that Obama was born in Kenya. I confess that I simply don’t know. I confess, though, that it wouldn’t shock me to learn that he had been born in the Aloha State. After all, Hawaii is even more liberal than California. In fact, it’s so far to the left, they couldn’t even find a place for it on the mainland; they had to stick it way out in the middle of the ocean. Unfortunately, they let it remain above sea level.

By this time, you have probably heard about the school that banned football, baseball and soccer from recess, lest a kid be hurt with a hard ball. Instead, they have them using Nerfballs. I suppose the next step is to eliminate language, history and math, from the curriculum because they’re hard subjects.

Along the same lines, the President’s Council on Fitness, Sports and Nutrition, has put the kibosh on three postage stamps in a series dedicated to healthy activities. The problem is that they showed a kid on a skateboard without knee pads, a kid cannonballing into a pool and a kid doing a handstand without a helmet.

I’m almost too shocked to ask the question, but what kid has ever performed a handstand while wearing a helmet? And what sort of loon do you have to be to be appointed to this council, and just what activities have they been performing without a helmet that’s left them in this tragic brain-damaged condition?

I’ve noticed that whenever anything unfortunate occurs, we can trust some pompous ass in Washington to declare “We must never allow this to happen ever again,” even though it’s something they are powerless to prevent. My theory is that by making that pointless statement, it makes them feel as if they’ve actually done something.

But when I say we must never allow this to happen again, I am referring to the election of Barack Obama, and I mean it. I understand that he, personally, can never run again, but that’s not good enough. The thing that must never happen again is electing someone simply because he or she is black, Jewish, Hispanic, gay, female or suffer from a physical disability.

For one thing, it’s a really dumb thing to do. I mean, it’s even dumber than most of the reasons we vote for some shmoe. For another, once one of these people is elected president and you happen to disagree with their policy, you will be labeled a bigot, an anti-Semite, a misogynist, a homophobe or just plain heartless.

Moreover, if you vote for anyone whose resume mentions time spent as a community organizer, which is just another name for a left-wing troublemaker, you shouldn’t be labeled anything. Instead, you should be belted with a baseball bat.

The Nobel Peace Prize, which has replaced the Stalin Peace Prize for all intents and purposes, has gone this year to the Organization for the Prohibition of Chemical Weapons, a Hague-based group dedicated to eliminating poison gas. But inasmuch as it has no authority to do anything, it’s really just another of those organizations with a high-sounding name that’s created so that it’s overpaid members can live high, wide and handsomely, off their expense accounts.

The million dollar prize could have gone to Malala Yousafzai, the 16-year-old Pakistani who has been an advocate for Middle East girls being given an education. After all, for her efforts to bring civilization belatedly to the Muslim world, she took a bullet in the face when the Taliban attempted to assassinate her last year. There is still a fatwa on her and her father. The only risk to those clowns who received the Peace Prize is a severe case of the gout.

Generally when it comes to our nation’s enemies, we speak longingly of bombing them back to the Dark Ages. However, when referring to the Taliban and their vile comrades in Al Qaeda and the Muslim Brotherhood, who already dwell in the Dark Ages, their appropriate fate would be to wake up with missing limbs in the Ice Age.

©2013 Burt Prelutsky. Comments? Write BurtPrelutsky@aol.com.




“Republican Cannibals” and “Lower Forms of Animal Life”

The Catholic Church came up with the concept of excommunication. But as you may have noticed, such Catholic luminaries as the Kennedy clan, Nancy Pelosi, Dick Durbin and Joe Biden, all spent years promoting abortion on demand and nobody in the Catholic hierarchy even raised an eyebrow, let alone said anything about denying them communion.

However, let a Republican take two steps in any direction, and his fellow Republicans want him drawn and quartered. I’m not suggesting that we Republicans should follow the lead of our opponents and turn ourselves into robots. Frankly, I don’t know why Senate Democrats even bother going to work. Harry Reid not only decides how they’re going to vote, but even decides what legislation they’ll be allowed to consider.

I swear, Republicans don’t hate Democrats nearly as much as they hate one another. I have a group of readers who are always trying to organize a lynch mob, anxious to string up what they refer to as RINOs. Those are Republicans whose unforgivable sin is that they don’t agree 100% with them on every single issue.

Even the recent brouhaha over defunding ObamaCare caused more friction between members of the GOP than it did between them and Democrats. What they failed to acknowledge was that the fight wasn’t over an issue, but merely over strategy. They all agreed that ObamaCare was a disaster. The difference was that one faction decided it was worth decimating their ranks in a fight they couldn’t win, while the other side, insisting they alone had principles, were willing to create a hostile environment which might have terrible repercussions a year down the road when the GOP will be trying to hang on to the House and at least make a dent in the Senate.

Department of Homeland Security advisor Mohamed Elibiary had the gall to blast America’s Christians for holding the Muslim Brotherhood responsible for the attacks on Egypt’s Coptic Christians. Someday, someone will have to explain to me why anyone who is not only named Mohamed, but feels impelled to spring to the defense of a Muslim terrorist organization, is employed by this administration. After that, he can then explain to me how it is we have a president who is more comfortable sitting down with Iranian jihadists than he is with House Republicans.

Diplomacy is a con game posing as an art form. Hassan Rhuhani, the recently elected president of Iran, made his mark several years ago when he boasted that while he held the West at bay for two years pretending to negotiate a cessation of Iran’s nuclear program, the centrifuges continued to spin. But we see Obama and Kerry both pretending that diplomacy is the way to go. I guess neither of them is old enough to recall that when the Japanese hit Pearl Harbor, Japan’s diplomats were earning their salaries, expressing their peaceful intentions to FDR.

It occurs to me that perhaps a better name for what is now referred to as Intelligent Design might be Divine Design. Intelligence, after all, has its limits.

As most of you know, when it comes to books, I don’t read a lot of non-fiction. I prefer novels because I feel they are written by writers, not researchers; they are therefore concerned with style, pace and literature as an art form. Also, as a rule, they don’t regard epic length as a virtue.

But I just happen to have read a piece of non-fiction which I am happy to recommend. For one thing, I know the author of “Arguing for the Constitution,” Steven Maikoski. For another, I know he knows his subject matter, and, what’s more, he cares passionately about his subject.

I won’t deny that the book’s length, less than 100 pages, is no small part of its appeal for me. But keep in mind that the Constitution itself is a model of brevity. In an age when we take a 2,500 page health care bill in our stride, it’s worth noting that the Founders were not out to bury anyone in sheer verbiage. Unlike Nancy Pelosi, they fully expected people to read it before they signed it.

Finally, I find that when Obama gives a speech, I am, like a James Bond martini, shaken, but never stirred.

Lower Forms of Animal Life

Having spent a good deal of my life studying the behavior of politicians, particularly those in our nation’s capital, I have concluded that the Potomac River gives off noxious fumes. It’s the cause of the common malady known as Potomac fever. The usual symptoms are a loss of mental faculties, a diminished moral sense and a swelled head.

We’re all aware of the ways it affects the likes of people like Obama, Biden, Reid, Pelosi and John McCain. But even lesser lights exhibit signs of contamination. For instance, Jay Carney used to be a respected journalist, or at least as respected as a Time magazine reporter could possibly be. But once he went to work as a press secretary, he has learned to lie for a living. And not just once in a while, but every single time he finds himself standing at a podium.

Then there’s Marie Harf, who finds herself as the spokeswoman for the State Department. With her nasal delivery and her blind devotion to Obama and Kerry, she appears to be auditioning for the lead in “The Debbie Wasserman-Schultz Story.” The big surprise is that, generally, when you find someone who looks and sounds like a Valley Girl in such an elevated position, one for which she is clearly unsuited, you assume her last name would be Clinton, Pelosi or Schumer, not Harf.

Speaking of the State Department, an agency with an infinite capacity to take a terrible tragedy and make it worse, it has designated the Benghazi massacre a criminal act rather than an act of terrorism. By doing so, it has introduced so much red tape into the process that the Islamics who murdered four Americans are more likely to die of old age than to ever be executed. On the plus side, those virgins waiting for them will also be 50 or 60 years older.

Speaking of the criminal justice system, Barry Bonds, now that a federal appeals court has determined that he was indeed guilty of obstructing justice, will be punished to the full extent of the law. In his case, that means he faces 30 days of home confinement, two years of probation, 250 hours of community service and a whopping $4,000 fine. During his home confinement, Bonds is likely to find the $4,000 under the cushions on his couch.

Considering he was guilty of committing perjury while testifying before a Grand Jury, it sounds like the judges on the Court of Appeals did a little obstructing of justice of their own. Though, come to think of it, lying to a Grand Jury was what Bill Clinton did, and he still got to be president.

I am always trying to persuade wealthy Republicans like Sheldon Adelson and the Koch brothers to start swaying public opinion by buying up however many media outlets as they can afford. A liberal billionaire recently bought the Washington Post for $250,000,000. For a lot less money, conservatives could buy up local TV stations and newspapers, including Spanish-language dailies, and staffing them with conservatives.

I now have another better way for them to spend their money than on pinky rings and financing losing primary campaigns for the likes of Newt Gingrich and Rick Santorum. It’s my idea that they should be saturating TV with ads demanding the Senate vote on ObamaCare. When you have the unions, large and small businesses and 60% of the voters opposed to the Affordable Care Act, you do everything in your power to force Harry Reid’s hand. Anyone who thinks the Senate Democrats who are up for re-election in 2014 will commit political suicide for a lame duck president is just plain nuts.

Finally, it was during the First Battle of Bull Run, also known as the First Manassas, that Thomas Jackson received his nickname when Brig. General Barnard Bee extorted his troops by shouting, “There is Jackson, standing like a stone wall.”

Although he’s faced no bullets or cavalry charge, Barack Obama, in his own way, has earned the same nickname. Unfortunately, in his case, he has done so by stonewalling on one scandal after another. In each case, starting with Operation Fast and Furious and proceeding through the IRS targeting of conservatives, the feds snooping on the AP and, worst of all, the Benghazi massacre and subsequent cover-up, he staved off criticism by insisting he couldn’t interfere in an ongoing investigation. Ultimately, he dismissed all of them as “phony scandals.”

I have come to realize that the major difference between “Stonewall” Obama and our dog Angel is that she does her business on the grass, while he does his on the Constitution.

©2013 Burt Prelutsky. Comments? Write BurtPrelutsky@aol.com.