“Putin on the Ritz” and “Obama, the Impaler”

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Ever since Vladimir Putin decided to restore the former Soviet Union, I have admired his restraint. I’m serious. I mean thus far, all he’s done is venture a little way into Georgia and, as of this moment, into a small section of Ukraine. Surely, judging by the response from Obama and the various garden gnomes heading up the nations affiliated with NATO, I see no good reason why he hasn’t taken back Poland, Hungary, Czechoslovakia, the eastern section of Germany or all of Europe, for that matter.

Obama’s defenders like to say that it wouldn’t matter who was in the Oval Office because Putin would do whatever he likes because he’s Putin. I beg to differ. It was Obama who refused to supply Poland and Czechoslovakia with promised missile defense systems because he didn’t wish to irk Russia’s dictator. It was also Obama who let Putin get away with consorting with the mullahs in Iran and Assad in Syria. And that was after decreasing our nuclear arsenal at Putin’s request. Every school kid knows all too well that if you give in to a bully even once, he’ll just keep taking your lunch money.

When Mitt Romney, during the 2012 presidential debates, identified Russia as our major geo-political foe, Obama, the NY Times and Chris Matthews, all ridiculed him, pretending he was Rip Van Winkle and had been asleep for 50 years. But he knew what any sentient human being who has paid attention to Russia through the years knew; namely that Russia is less a piece of geography than an evil and vicious state of mind. It’s Hannibal Lector, but without Anthony Hopkins’ soothing tones.

Hillary Clinton, who is every bit as stupid as Patty Murray and Barbara Boxer, but comes across as forceful because of all that extra testosterone, made a big deal about presenting her Russian equivalent with a restart button, pretending that the Russian grizzly had turned into a pussy cat. The fact is that Russia has changed its name, but has changed nothing else over the years, and it hasn’t mattered if the guy calling the shots was a czar, Joe Stalin or an unrepentant Cossack named Putin.

I suggest that in place of those silly Nobel Peace Prizes, they should be handing out Nevilles in honor of Neville Chamberlain. They would come in the form of a little furled umbrella, and would be bestowed on the world’s leader who showed the greatest amount of cowardice when it came to facing down a bully. And because the bullies are dispersed in such far-flung places as Russia, Syria, Iran, Uganda, Venezuela and North Korea, just about every national leader would have a fair shot at taking home a Neville.

The thing about Russia is that it is, with the possible exception of North Korea, the most paranoiac nation on earth. Although it has well over 200 million people and a land mass that dwarfs just about every other country on earth, it is always carrying on as if invasion is just around the corner and that it requires more and more buffers to safeguard its sovereignty. The fact is that in 200 years, it’s been invaded only twice, and on those occasions it was by Napoleon and Hitler, and neither got very far. It’s also a fact that it’s Russia that has made it a practice to invade and dominate its neighbors.

One of the many things that Obama says that annoys me no end is when he makes reference to the international community and pretends, one, that it actually exists and, two, that it possesses moral authority. Until he got the house key to the White House, one could argue that whatever morality existed in the world was mainly possessed by the United States. But he has seen to it that when he said that America was no more exceptional than any other nation, he fully intended to prove it by transforming it in his own repulsive image.

When one looks at the world, it’s obvious that most nations could disappear tomorrow and the world would be the better for it. If you disagree, check out the membership roll of the United Nations. By comparison, even the freaks in the Occupy Wall Street movement, personal hygiene aside, don’t look all that bad.

Of course I could be wrong, but I’m betting that the editors at Time Magazine have already begun putting together the year-end edition naming President Vladimir Putin “Person of the Year.”

But, all is not lost. Call me a cockeyed optimist, but I think the odds look awfully good that our own president will be bringing home the Neville!

Obama, the Impaler

Vlad III was a 15th century Romanian prince, whose cruelty was legendary and whose chief claim to fame is that he served as Bram Stoker’s inspiration for Count Dracula.

So far as I know, Obama has limited his own impaling to our Constitution, but he has certainly done his utmost to drain the life blood out of America. In five short years, he has managed to undermine our economy, destroy our health care system, betray our allies, coddle our enemies and, perhaps most contemptuously of all, driven wedges between Americans based on race, religion and class.

Over the past couple of centuries, America has faced and defeated any number of foes, but we have never faced this type of menace, one seemingly dedicated to destroying us from within, a cancer with a political agenda.

There have been many movie comedies that dealt with guys — Buster Keaton, Dennis O’Keefe and Richard Pryor, come to mind – who had to unload millions of dollars, thanks to stipulations in the wills of very eccentric relatives, before they could lay claim to their inheritance. Except that Obama doesn’t have their logical motivation, he has a lot in common with them.

After all, Obama started out by blowing a trillion dollars on a stimulus that resulted in no shovel-ready jobs. Then came another billion dollars or so squandered on green energy companies owned by his cronies that quickly, and predictably, went belly-up. Now, he intends to burn through $684 million promoting the ill-named Affordable Care Act in 2014, after wasting a similar amount on the disastrous rollout of his signature piece of legislation.

I have grown almost as weary of looking at the human stiffs who stand behind Obama every time he gives a speech as I am of listening to the speeches. It would be difficult to find a more moronic-looking group of nonentities outside of the White House press corps, which, with the exception of Fox’s Ed Henry, have never stopped taking dictation long enough to ever ask a serious question of Robert Gibbs or Jay Carney.

The Democrats have once again circled the wagons to defend Obama from the charge that he is acting as a dictator when he unilaterally changes the law through executive fiat in order to bolster his party’s chances of hanging on to the Senate in the midterm elections. Proving that, as usual, liberal partisanship trumps principles, they keep insisting that Reagan, Clinton and Bush, all issued more executive orders than Obama. They ignore the fact that his delays in implementing ObamaCare are major affronts to the letter and spirit of the Constitution.

By concentrating on mere numbers, they hope to disguise the fact that it’s a lot like suggesting that a jaywalker is a bigger menace than a serial killer simply because the first guy crossed against the light a hundred times, whereas the killer only committed a dozen murders.

Here in California, as you may have heard, we’re having a drought. The truth is we’re nearly always having a drought because so much of the state is or was a desert, sort of like Israel. But the lack of water in the Central Valley has far less to do with Mother Nature than it does with such groups as the Sierra Club, which uses certain critters on the endangered species list as an excuse to prevent water from being moved from where it is to where it needs to be.

But so long as environmental fascists continue funneling cash to the likes of Jerry Brown, Barack Obama and the DNC, liberal politicians, be they in Sacramento or Washington, D.C., will always stand ready to do their bidding –whether the issue is water for the farmers in the San Joaquin Valley, the Keystone pipeline or oil drilling in ANWR and our coastal waters.

California’s farmers, who are responsible for feeding a nation, are begging for water, but California’s smelt are splashing away or whatever the hell it is that smelt do. It’s all thanks to well-heeled Hollywood elitists who care about nothing really, except being invited to Obama’s next $35,000-a-plate fund-raising dinner, where the only smelt to be found aren’t on the menu, but seated at the dais.

As much fun as it is to ridicule progressives, I’d be remiss if I didn’t occasionally chastise my fellow conservatives. In spite of all my railing on the subject, you folks continue to send your offspring to liberal arts colleges, where not only will they learn no marketable skills, but will be indoctrinated by left-wing simpletons.

But I can understand your predicament. What I would call showing some backbone, others, including, no doubt, your offspring, would label child abuse.

But what possible excuse do you have for continuing to subscribe to your local newspaper when, no matter where you happen to live, the chances are that its primary function is the daily promulgation of liberal talking points?

I mean, you can easily get grocery coupons, baseball scores and the weather report, off your computer. And whereas in the old days, the comics might be your excuse, these days, with Doonesbury leading the way, they’re about as politically balanced as a New York Times editorial. Just not nearly as funny.

©2013 Burt Prelutsky. Comments? Write BurtPrelutsky@aol.com.

“Obamacare: Our Very Own Titanic” and “Haunting The White House”

At the time Nancy Pelosi famously remarked that the Affordable Care Act would have to be passed before we knew what was in it, I didn’t realize that by “we,” she was including Barack Obama.

I should have guessed, though. After all, this guy is as lazy as that kid who always tried to hide out in the eighth grade by sitting in the last seat in the back row, praying never to be called on. It’s only right that it’s referred to as his signature piece of legislation because the only role this goofus played in creating this monster was signing it.

Although everything is still up in the air when it comes to ObamaCare in spite of the White House moving back one deadline after another and attempting to get insurance companies to break as many laws as Obama has, the fact remains that we could end up with 315 million people with health insurance, but with nary a hospital or doctor to treat them.

In one county in Florida, there will be only seven pediatricians for 260,000 children. All I know is that I wouldn’t want to be sitting in one of those seven waiting rooms. You know how cranky a five-year-old can get, especially after sitting there since he was a three-year-old.

At this point, I’m betting even Marcelas Owens, the 11-year-old black kid who was standing at Obama’s elbow when he signed the Affordable Care Act, wishes he’d yanked the pen out of Obama’s hand and stabbed Henry Waxman with it on his way out the door.

The truth is that between the ACA and the tax on medical devices, Obama is turning America into one huge African village. I expect we will soon see witch doctors with painted faces and bones stuck through their noses hanging out their shingles.

Speaking of health care, as some of you know, I was scheduled on Dec. 13th to have an operation on my wrist. But a pre-op EKG turned up a blockage in my main artery. That meant postponing the wrist operation for at least two months, so that they could perform an angiogram and implant a stent on Dec. 18th. As I sit here, that is still four days off.

Everyone is telling me it’s no big deal, which is what I am always ready to tell others who are about to undergo surgery. Actually, the only part of the procedure that I find rather unnerving is that the surgeon gets to the heart via the groin. That, to me, is like going from San Diego to L.A. by way of Baltimore. Besides, he will be going where no man has gone before, and, quite frankly, I was hoping to keep it that way.

Moving on: When you see Ukrainians toppling Lenin’s statue, demonstrating their hatred of their Soviet-era oppressors and of their Russia-loving president, Viktor Yanukovich, you wish you had an American president who would go there and give the equivalent of JFK’s pronouncement, on behalf of all freedom lovers, “Ich bin eine Berliner,” merely substituting Kiev for Berlin. But I would happily settle for a bunch of Ukrainians coming to Washington and toppling Barack Obama.

Have you noticed that the only time people pay the slightest bit of attention to atheists is in December, when they marshal their pathetic resources to attack Christians and their traditions? It’s my guess that the first words these self-righteous pinheads utter as they roll out of bed on December 1st, is: “Thank God for Christmas!”

Recently, when actor Paul Walker died while a passenger in a Porsche, it reminded me that James Dean died nearly 60 years ago while driving a Porsche. It also reminded me of a mystery that has long plagued me. In a country where it is generally illegal to drive over 65 miles an hour even on a freeway, why does anyone ever buy a Porsche? A Porsche, after all, does 65 backing out of the garage. To me, it’s like buying a mansion and then living in the cellar.

The best I’ve been able to come up with is that like a lot of foolish things that very rich people do, the answer is simply that they can. It must fall into the same category as spending $25,000 on a watch that’s going to tell you the same time as one that runs you $50 or spending $35,000 on a seat at an Obama fund-raiser that manages to combine bad food with lousy company.

Finally, Lincoln School in Canon City, CO, suspended six-year-old Hunter Yelton for kissing a little girl on the hand. That is the problem with having four-year-old school principals. Still, I can’t help wondering how the dunces at Lincoln would have handled the matter if the object of Hunter’s affections had been a little boy.

I just have a sneaky hunch they wouldn’t have been so quick to punish little Hunter, lest they risked traumatizing him for expressing his gayness.

As Napoleon, the swinish villain in George Orwell’s “Animal Farm,” put it, “All animals are equal. But some are more equal than others.”

Haunting the White House

Barack Obama seems less and less like a president and more and more like a visitor from the spirit world. He looks real enough, but wouldn’t an actual human being be embarrassed if he had to keep saying that he didn’t know about things that were happening right under his nose? Can you even imagine being the commander-in-chief and claiming to be unaware of Operation Fast and Furious, electioneering at the IRS and what took place at Benghazi, until you read about it in the NY Times?

What compounds the problem is that his disciples claim Obama is the smartest guy in whatever room he happens to be in, and he obviously agrees, as one can tell by the arrogant tilt of his chin and the contempt he openly displays towards anyone who dares to disagree with him.

Ectoplasm is the supposed physical substance that results from psychic intervention, such as when a ghost shows up at a séance. One can’t help thinking that if Obama were ever called forth from the great beyond, the substance would be called egoplasm.

He is such an arrogant shmoe that when I first heard of the word “selfie,” I immediately thought of the lump in the Oval Office. Selfie, as I understand it, describes a new fad in which people snap photos of themselves, occasionally sharing the lens with friends or relatives, but just as likely to include only themselves, and then uploading the shots to Facebook and other social media.

It’s as if we’ve all turned into members of the paparazzi, but instead of shooting celebrities for profit, we’re shooting ourselves for reasons I can’t begin to fathom.

So just when I had concluded that the human race couldn’t possibly become more self-involved and annoying than it had over the past few decades, Obama came along and proved me wrong by setting the worst possible example. It all ties in to the fact that he has begun banishing news photographers from official functions, insisting that news agencies rely entirely on the White House photographer, who can be counted on to show the Obamas in the very best light.

The worst problem with Obama, his personal character flaws aside, isn’t that he stumbles from one crisis of his own making to another, leaving chaos in his wake, but that all Americans share the consequences, and not just the creepy 51% who re-elected this jackass in 2012.

His latest gaffe is the deal he had John Kerry cut with Iran, which gives that evil and backward nation a clear path to a nuclear bomb, plus seven billion dollars to do with as it likes. As I see it, the main difference between this disaster and the deal that Neville Chamberlain made with Adolf Hitler is that England’s prime minister didn’t roll over in order to distract attention from the horrors of ChamberlainCare.

As for Secretary of State Kerry, the only thing that can be said in his favor is that he is the only member of Obama’s administration who reminds anyone of both ends of a horse.

Moving on, whatever happened to the concept of equal rights? Instead, we have different groups referring to women’s rights, minority rights, gay rights, all of which are the antithesis of what many of us, including the Founding Fathers, regarded as equal rights for all Americans.

In the same way, “hate crimes” distinguishes between different classes of victims, thus ripping the blindfold off Lady Justice’s eyes, so that crimes against certain victims are punished more harshly than the very same crimes committed against other people.

In a nutshell, that’s what the left-wing nincompoops refer to as “social justice,” which turns the whole concept of justice on its head.

Finally, speaking of differences, it recently occurred to me that a singular division between the sexes is the way they react to put-downs. If, for instance, a man says something insulting about a specific woman, other women will often take it as a generic insult of all women, and label the guy a misogynist; however, if a specific man is insulted by either a woman or another man, the normal guy’s reaction is to nod and quickly add, “And what’s more, the schmuck cheats at cards.”

©2013 Burt Prelutsky. Comments? Write BurtPrelutsky@aol.com.