“Republican Cannibals” and “Lower Forms of Animal Life”

The Catholic Church came up with the concept of excommunication. But as you may have noticed, such Catholic luminaries as the Kennedy clan, Nancy Pelosi, Dick Durbin and Joe Biden, all spent years promoting abortion on demand and nobody in the Catholic hierarchy even raised an eyebrow, let alone said anything about denying them communion.

However, let a Republican take two steps in any direction, and his fellow Republicans want him drawn and quartered. I’m not suggesting that we Republicans should follow the lead of our opponents and turn ourselves into robots. Frankly, I don’t know why Senate Democrats even bother going to work. Harry Reid not only decides how they’re going to vote, but even decides what legislation they’ll be allowed to consider.

I swear, Republicans don’t hate Democrats nearly as much as they hate one another. I have a group of readers who are always trying to organize a lynch mob, anxious to string up what they refer to as RINOs. Those are Republicans whose unforgivable sin is that they don’t agree 100% with them on every single issue.

Even the recent brouhaha over defunding ObamaCare caused more friction between members of the GOP than it did between them and Democrats. What they failed to acknowledge was that the fight wasn’t over an issue, but merely over strategy. They all agreed that ObamaCare was a disaster. The difference was that one faction decided it was worth decimating their ranks in a fight they couldn’t win, while the other side, insisting they alone had principles, were willing to create a hostile environment which might have terrible repercussions a year down the road when the GOP will be trying to hang on to the House and at least make a dent in the Senate.

Department of Homeland Security advisor Mohamed Elibiary had the gall to blast America’s Christians for holding the Muslim Brotherhood responsible for the attacks on Egypt’s Coptic Christians. Someday, someone will have to explain to me why anyone who is not only named Mohamed, but feels impelled to spring to the defense of a Muslim terrorist organization, is employed by this administration. After that, he can then explain to me how it is we have a president who is more comfortable sitting down with Iranian jihadists than he is with House Republicans.

Diplomacy is a con game posing as an art form. Hassan Rhuhani, the recently elected president of Iran, made his mark several years ago when he boasted that while he held the West at bay for two years pretending to negotiate a cessation of Iran’s nuclear program, the centrifuges continued to spin. But we see Obama and Kerry both pretending that diplomacy is the way to go. I guess neither of them is old enough to recall that when the Japanese hit Pearl Harbor, Japan’s diplomats were earning their salaries, expressing their peaceful intentions to FDR.

It occurs to me that perhaps a better name for what is now referred to as Intelligent Design might be Divine Design. Intelligence, after all, has its limits.

As most of you know, when it comes to books, I don’t read a lot of non-fiction. I prefer novels because I feel they are written by writers, not researchers; they are therefore concerned with style, pace and literature as an art form. Also, as a rule, they don’t regard epic length as a virtue.

But I just happen to have read a piece of non-fiction which I am happy to recommend. For one thing, I know the author of “Arguing for the Constitution,” Steven Maikoski. For another, I know he knows his subject matter, and, what’s more, he cares passionately about his subject.

I won’t deny that the book’s length, less than 100 pages, is no small part of its appeal for me. But keep in mind that the Constitution itself is a model of brevity. In an age when we take a 2,500 page health care bill in our stride, it’s worth noting that the Founders were not out to bury anyone in sheer verbiage. Unlike Nancy Pelosi, they fully expected people to read it before they signed it.

Finally, I find that when Obama gives a speech, I am, like a James Bond martini, shaken, but never stirred.

Lower Forms of Animal Life

Having spent a good deal of my life studying the behavior of politicians, particularly those in our nation’s capital, I have concluded that the Potomac River gives off noxious fumes. It’s the cause of the common malady known as Potomac fever. The usual symptoms are a loss of mental faculties, a diminished moral sense and a swelled head.

We’re all aware of the ways it affects the likes of people like Obama, Biden, Reid, Pelosi and John McCain. But even lesser lights exhibit signs of contamination. For instance, Jay Carney used to be a respected journalist, or at least as respected as a Time magazine reporter could possibly be. But once he went to work as a press secretary, he has learned to lie for a living. And not just once in a while, but every single time he finds himself standing at a podium.

Then there’s Marie Harf, who finds herself as the spokeswoman for the State Department. With her nasal delivery and her blind devotion to Obama and Kerry, she appears to be auditioning for the lead in “The Debbie Wasserman-Schultz Story.” The big surprise is that, generally, when you find someone who looks and sounds like a Valley Girl in such an elevated position, one for which she is clearly unsuited, you assume her last name would be Clinton, Pelosi or Schumer, not Harf.

Speaking of the State Department, an agency with an infinite capacity to take a terrible tragedy and make it worse, it has designated the Benghazi massacre a criminal act rather than an act of terrorism. By doing so, it has introduced so much red tape into the process that the Islamics who murdered four Americans are more likely to die of old age than to ever be executed. On the plus side, those virgins waiting for them will also be 50 or 60 years older.

Speaking of the criminal justice system, Barry Bonds, now that a federal appeals court has determined that he was indeed guilty of obstructing justice, will be punished to the full extent of the law. In his case, that means he faces 30 days of home confinement, two years of probation, 250 hours of community service and a whopping $4,000 fine. During his home confinement, Bonds is likely to find the $4,000 under the cushions on his couch.

Considering he was guilty of committing perjury while testifying before a Grand Jury, it sounds like the judges on the Court of Appeals did a little obstructing of justice of their own. Though, come to think of it, lying to a Grand Jury was what Bill Clinton did, and he still got to be president.

I am always trying to persuade wealthy Republicans like Sheldon Adelson and the Koch brothers to start swaying public opinion by buying up however many media outlets as they can afford. A liberal billionaire recently bought the Washington Post for $250,000,000. For a lot less money, conservatives could buy up local TV stations and newspapers, including Spanish-language dailies, and staffing them with conservatives.

I now have another better way for them to spend their money than on pinky rings and financing losing primary campaigns for the likes of Newt Gingrich and Rick Santorum. It’s my idea that they should be saturating TV with ads demanding the Senate vote on ObamaCare. When you have the unions, large and small businesses and 60% of the voters opposed to the Affordable Care Act, you do everything in your power to force Harry Reid’s hand. Anyone who thinks the Senate Democrats who are up for re-election in 2014 will commit political suicide for a lame duck president is just plain nuts.

Finally, it was during the First Battle of Bull Run, also known as the First Manassas, that Thomas Jackson received his nickname when Brig. General Barnard Bee extorted his troops by shouting, “There is Jackson, standing like a stone wall.”

Although he’s faced no bullets or cavalry charge, Barack Obama, in his own way, has earned the same nickname. Unfortunately, in his case, he has done so by stonewalling on one scandal after another. In each case, starting with Operation Fast and Furious and proceeding through the IRS targeting of conservatives, the feds snooping on the AP and, worst of all, the Benghazi massacre and subsequent cover-up, he staved off criticism by insisting he couldn’t interfere in an ongoing investigation. Ultimately, he dismissed all of them as “phony scandals.”

I have come to realize that the major difference between “Stonewall” Obama and our dog Angel is that she does her business on the grass, while he does his on the Constitution.

©2013 Burt Prelutsky. Comments? Write BurtPrelutsky@aol.com.

The Liberal Game Show

Because liberal politicians always want to paint life in America as bleak and miserable, a place that would be a living hell if not for their superhuman efforts, they are always telling lies and gaming statistics. For instance, when they start yammering about all the poor souls living under the poverty line, a line by the way that is only slightly more believable than the one that a lounge lizard feeds a dumb blonde, they neglect to take into account food stamps, health care, education expenses and unreported, under the table, income. The last of these includes day labor, burglaries and illegal drug sales. In fact, when you realize that nine percent of the population suffers from some form of drug dependency, it’s a miracle that our unemployment rate isn’t even higher than it is.

Of course when liberals aren’t denouncing America, some of them stay busy holding benefits for Africa. I must confess that of all the charitable activities available to Americans, those targeting Africa strike me as the goofiest. In fact, sometimes I think that the continent primarily exists so that do-gooders can feel they have a purpose in life. And, unlike some charities, such as those devoted to eliminating a disease or helping people get their lives back in shape after suffering the horrors of a natural disaster, the upside of helping Africans is that there is no end in sight. When Bono is one very elderly Irishman, I can assure you that Africa will still require his constant attention.

Frankly, I don’t know why anyone would devote so much time and effort to the place. It is a pig sty of a continent. It is home to slavery; to the vile practice of female circumcision; to Muslim terrorists and pirates; it’s a place where the rules of war invariably involve kidnapping, rape and maiming; and, for good measure, where men suffering from AIDS believe that unprotected sex with young virgins is a cure, or at least so they say.

It’s also the place where freedom from Europe’s colonial powers didn’t bring democracy, but only provided black degenerates with the opportunity to prove how much crueler they could be than the English, Spanish, French, Dutch and German, overseers had ever been.

Recently, a bunch of show business celebrities shot a TV spot where “famine” was referred to as the f-word. Afterwards, I’m sure they all patted themselves on the back for their humane efforts. But did any of them ever ask how it is that famine is as commonplace in Africa as egotism is in Hollywood? At some point, wouldn’t you think that after all this time those millions of people would have figured out how to feed themselves without George Clooney’s assistance?

Here in the States, we have the Occupy Wall Street oafs demonstrating against something or other. As close as anyone can figure, they don’t like a lot of money winding up in anyone else’s hands. What makes it so fascinating is that they’re getting a lot of shout-outs from various liberals. Even Obama, who has received more campaign contributions from Wall Street than any politician in history, has given them his personal seal of approval.

According to CelebrityNetWorth.com, the 10 richest people who have had good things to say about the street rabble have been Yoko Ono (whose wealth is estimated to be half a billion dollars); Russell Simmons ($325 million); Roseanne Barr ($80 million); Deepak Chopra ($80 million); Kanye West ($70 million); Alec Baldwin ($65 million); Susan Sarandon ($50 million); Michael Moore ($50 million); Tim Robbins ($50 million); and Nancy Pelosi ($35.5 million).

What I make of all this is that America has the richest, as well as the most insufferable, Communists in the world. Also, I now understand how, when Roseanne Barr said that everyone who had more than $100 million should be beheaded, she arrived at that seemingly arbitrary figure.

Looking at that list makes me wonder what people do with all that money. I mean, after you buy a palace to live in for, say, $20 million, what do you do with all the rest? Even if you toss in a yacht, an expensive wardrobe and a team of servants, how do you even keep track of all that loot?

I had thought that at this late date, Obama had apologized to every nation on earth, but I heard a rumor that he wanted to apologize to Japan for our having dropped the A-bombs on Hiroshima and Nagasaki, but that Japanese diplomats had nixed it. I don’t blame them. It might call to attention the fact that Japan never apologized for Pearl Harbor; for the death march at Corregidor; for the American, British and Australian, POWs they slaughtered; for their butchery in Manchuria, Burma and the Philippines; and for kidnapping thousands and thousands of Chinese and Korean women for use in their military brothels.

But you can’t really expect patriotism or even perspective from Obama. In the history lessons he received from his radical professors and his demented religious mentors, it’s only the United States that has ever been guilty of crimes and atrocities.

Because liberals deal solely in lies, theirs is an even more vile currency than China’s corrupt yuan. One need only hear the likes of Nancy Pelosi insist that what heartless Republicans want is for women to die on the floor and for health care providers not to intervene. An obvious fabrication, at least so far as this heartless Republican is concerned. What I want is for women such as Nancy Pelosi, Loretta Sanchez, Maxine Waters, Debbie Wasserman-Schultz and Sheila Jackson Lee, to die on the floor of the House and for health care providers not to intervene.

Because I have a few friends who have done exceptionally well in the world of TV game shows, I am always trying to come up with a new one. My latest brainstorm involves a lie detector that would provide an electrical shock every time a contestant failed to provide an honest answer. For the pilot, I would like to hook up Henry Waxman. The typically good-looking, charming, host (feel free to picture me) would ask the congressman a series of questions. For instance, I might start out with, “Congressman, you have said that the only reason a Jew would ever vote for a Republican is because of his own personal greed. Do you actually believe that?”

“Yes, I…(yowl)…I really do…(howl)…Certainly I…(blood-curdling scream)…”

Next week, tune in when we put Harry Reid in the hot seat.

©2011 Burt Prelutsky. Comments? Write Burt!
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