Recipes For Success And Disaster

If I knew who sent me the best suggestion I have come across in a long time, I would credit him. Instead, I will simply share his brilliant notion that we put our senior citizens in jail and stick all the criminals in nursing homes.

As he pointed out, seniors would have access to showers and hobbies. They would receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, and access to state-of-the-art wheel chairs. They would have constant video monitoring, so they would receive help immediately if they fell or needed assistance.

Bedding would be washed twice a week and all clothing would be cleaned and ironed at no charge. All meals and snacks would be brought to them. They would receive family visits in a suite built for that purpose. They would have access to a library, weight/fitness room, spiritual counseling and in-house concerts by nationally-recognized musical artists.

Each senior would have a TV, radio and computer, supplied at no cost. Furthermore, the ACLU would provide them with free legal advice. And I, personally, am betting that if any of the 80-year-olds suddenly decided to have a sex change operation, it would be readily provided. And if they didn’t, they would be encouraged to have conjugal visits on a regular basis.

As for the criminals, they would receive cold food and would be allowed to shower once a week. They would live in tiny rooms, for which they would have to pay $5,000-a-month, and they would have no hope of ever getting out!

Speaking of things that are ass-backwards these days, $3.7 trillion has been squandered on welfare since Obama’s inauguration in 2009. That’s five times as much money as has been spent on NASA, education and federal transportation, put together.

But it’s not just Obama and his henchmen who need to have their heads examined. What is it with the Republicans? Why are so many of them calling for the postponement of the Affordable Care Act? Millions of people are suffering from its chaotic implementation, and the Republicans want to rush to its rescue?

It was bad enough when Vladimir Putin pulled Obama’s chestnuts out of the fire when it was obvious he wasn’t going to get the go-ahead even from congressional Democrats to attack Syria. But why on earth are Republicans looking to turn the heat off the disaster that’s ObamaCare?

Rep. Alan Grayson (D-FL) announced back in 2010 that because Republicans were opposed to Obama’s Frankenstinian version of health care, it meant they wanted Americans to die quickly. Now, on his noxious re-election website, he’s posted a picture of a burning cross, with the cross forming the “T” in Tea Party, likening conservatives to the Ku Klux Klan.

The folks in Florida unelected this cretin once, but then they put him back in office. Who are these people? It is obvious that when you are the 11th richest member of the House, you can afford to run as often as you like. But why would anyone vote for him? I can only imagine that the loons who live down there in the ninth congressional district are like those abused women who divorce their wife-beating husbands, and then decide that life without the bully is even worse than life with him.

Finally, for some reason, speaking of Obama and Grayson reminds me that Betts-Clarke of England has announced that their new line of fart-filtering underwear is jumping off the shelves, so to speak. Apparently, Shreddies, as this miracle product is called, is capable of quashing the smell of an odor 200 times worse than the average flatulence emission.

I only mentioned this in case any of you had Barack Obama, Jay Carney, Nancy Pelosi, Charles Schumer, Harry Reid, Henry Waxman, Dick Durbin or Alan Grayson, on your shopping list and wondered what to get them for Christmas.

©2013 Burt Prelutsky. Comments? Write