All The News That’s Fit To Ridicule

It seems that the feds have committed over $200 million to teaching Afghan soldiers to read, and it’s not working. I could have warned them. Why on earth would anyone expect we could teach them to read when we can’t even teach our own kids?

It doesn’t appear that Chris Christie’s troubles are going to end anytime soon, and I wouldn’t feel right piling on, but honesty compels me to say that the only way I would believe he had nothing to do with closing those lanes on the George Washington Bridge is if he himself had been stuck in the traffic jam.

Covered California, our state’s contribution to ObamaCare, spent $1.3 million on an eight-hour telecast featuring the perennially embarrassing Richard Simmons. There is a state senator calling for an audit, for all the good that will do. I’d be more interested in finding out if the sight of Simmons cavorting in his tights actually persuaded people to sign up for the program. That would be a very scary group of individuals.

People have quite correctly complained that far too many Mexicans come here, not to become Americans, but to turn us into Mexico. Still, it should also be noted that large numbers of Californians have left here and turned Oregon and Washington into northern versions of the swamp they left, just as transplanted New Yorkers have wreaked havoc in such places as Connecticut, Vermont and Florida.

Liberals who contend that the legalization of marijuana won’t contribute to greater numbers of traffic accidents and fatalities because there’s no statistical evidence proving it have chosen to ignore the fact it’s difficult to prove because there’s no easy way to measure marijuana’s involvement, as there is with booze. But it stands to reason that any substance whose primary purpose is to distort reality is going to play havoc with one’s reflexes and response time.

When some people, including the erudite Charles Krauthammer, say that the debacle known as ObamaCare will set back the liberal movement for decades, my heart wants to believe him, but my head is a tad too skeptical. I know a recent poll suggests that even a majority of Democrats now contend that Big Government is the greatest danger we have to face, scoring 72% versus a combined 26% for Big Business and Big Unions, but I’m not buying it. As for the missing two percent, I’m assuming it was equally divided between Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber.

That’s not to say I’m not hoping that the health care bill cobbled together in Dr. Frankenstein’s basement won’t result in the GOP wrenching control of the Senate out of Harry Reid’s bloody claws. But look how quickly the Democrats, along with their shills in the media, were able to blame the real estate crash of 2008 on the Republicans and a few major financial entities like Lehman Brothers.

But the Republicans were pretty much innocent bystanders and the wolves of Wall Street may have driven the getaway car, but it was the Democrats – through their customary pandering for minority votes – who were pulling off the heist by forcing lenders to lower the required down payment for home purchases from the normal 10-20% down to 5%, then 3% and finally all the way to 0%, and, by the way, to ignore the home buyer’s credit history.

Under those circumstances, the only real question was when, not if, the bubble, which was really more of a blister, burst. Unfortunately for the Republicans, it happened in the last year of George Bush’s administration, making it all too easy for the actual culprits, people like Barney Frank and Chris Dodd, to pin it on the innocent dupe.

Although it hasn’t received nearly enough attention, the Girl Scouts of America have gone rogue. Recently, the GSA named abortion advocate/Texas gubernatorial candidate/serial liar Wendy Davis as one of their “incredible women of the year.” It figures because for all intents and purposes the Scouts have become an adjunct of Planned Parenthood.

In addition, a Girl Scout guidebook told its little members to check things out with George Soros-funded Media Matters before believing what they read or hear. The Scouts are also being inundated with brochures, videos and conferences, promoting promiscuity and lesbian propaganda. So the next time you’re shopping for cookies, you might be wise to give the Girls a pass and consider Nabisco.

It seems as if almost every time some guy runs amok, he claims he was heeding a voice in his head. I know the feeling. In my case, I even know whose voice I keep hearing. It’s Barack Obama, and he’s telling me that “This is the moment when the rise of the oceans will begin to slow, and the planet will begin to heal.”

I must confess that I didn’t put much stock in it when he uttered those grandiose words back in 2009, but it did sound awfully ambitious even for a guy who used Greek pillars as props.

But five years later, I realize I say pretty much the same thing every time I have a successful bowel movement.

©2013 Burt Prelutsky. Comments? Write