Thank goodness Carly Fiorina up and threw her hat into the ring earlier this month, so now we’ll able to wage the War on the War on Women better-equipped. Face it, Hillary ain’t goin’ away, and unless she develops some magic ability to un-disgrace all the offices she’s held, she’s going to fill the airwaves with reminders that she has no penis. It only makes sense that the weapon with which we return fire is equally (if not more) penisless. Just imagine, one night you’re happily kicking back on your couch, watching three contestants resist the urge to break Alex Trebek’s limbs, when he announces it’s time for a word from the sponsors…
Spot #1: “Hi, I’m Ms. Hillary Rodham Clinton, and I’m a woman running for president. I’m just like you—I put on my pantyhose one leg at a time. I won’t let my job performance get distracted by things like muscle cars and jock itch, and my two X-chromosomes make me less likely to suffer a heart attack while in office. So why vote for anyone else? That would be no way to treat a lady!”
Spot #2: “Hillary Clinton thinks she should be elected president because she’s a woman. We think she shouldn’t because she’s lying, ruthless little banshee. With Carly Fiorina you’ll get an experienced and ethical leader, not the gender card. (Paid for by Citizens for Honest Politicians Whether or Not They Have Penises.)”
When Fiorina kicked-off her campaign it actually gave me a little hope this time, that our candidates won’t act as if they’re on an exclusive diet of pansy pills. The GOP really is a frustrating outfit in this here millennium; it seems like every time they face a little liberal confrontation, Republicans turn into Nathan Lane from The Birdcage, only less bold & masculine.
Take the four most recent election years: in 2008 and 2012, after our presidential candidates acted softer than a couple of fresh-made Fluffernutters, we lost to a guy less fit for office than anyone in kindergarten, prison, or the ground. In 2010 and 2014, after our congressional candidates spanked the Democrats like a naughty prom date, they thanked the voters by turning back into the usual castrated sell-outs. (Mitch McConnell may look like a turtle, but he bends over a table faster than any animal on Earth.)
So, even as GOP candidates seem to be popping up like tribbles since Fiorina’s announcement, the former Hewlett/Packard honcho remains the one best suited to take the fight to her opponent. I don’t mean to sound unrealistic–she obviously won’t be the GOP’s 2016 nominee for president, and I’d say her chances of ending up the VP candidate are 50/50. But in the meantime she’s the obvious choice to tell American females loudly & repeatedly what kind of female Hillary Clinton really is: one who defended a man she knew to be guilty of raping a little girl, and chuckled about it; who married and enabled a serial cad to further her career; who helped bring unspeakable grief to the wives/mothers/sisters/etc. of Glen Doherty, Ty Woods, Sean Smith, and Ambassador Chris Stevens.
To be fair, I’ll admit there are ways Mrs. Clinton has done some good for our society. For one thing, now that she has changed her stance (surprise!) on same-sex marriage, she’ll be a role model for extremely ambitious men with very bad husbands, not just extremely ambitious women with very bad husbands. And there’s no denying her positive effect on countless Americans’ health: there have been no reported cases of insomnia, laughter-induced cataplexy, or overactive libido in people attending her speeches.
Still, I’ll say it now, and I’d say it even if I had a vagina: a vote for Hillary is basically a vote for a four-year yeast infection.
In other news…
On May 7, CNN’s Sally Kohn suffered through a moment of social injustice, and took to Twitter to share her disgust: “Forgot my wallet. MTA officer let me on subway for free. #classprivilege #whiteprivilege.” This is why conservatives are generally happier people than liberals: we see simple, random acts of kindness as a positive thing. One can only wonder what tweet we’d end up getting from Kohn if an armed citizen were to take down a sexual predator attacking her: “Stranger shot my would-be rapist. Gun was so loud jerk left me with tinnitus. #nraextremist.”
Call it omissionary work: first up is Fox News “contributor” Juan Williams, explaining his distaste for Pam Geller’s Mohammed cartoon contest, where two terrorists were killed by security before any innocent lives were taken: “Because she engaged in gratuitous offensive behavior that led to the deaths of two people.” (italics mine)
Next we have ThinkProgress.org, who picked a cute-as-hell headline for their May 11th report about a man who fired a gunshot into George Zimmerman’s vehicle: “George Zimmerman Involved In Shooting, Fourth Violent Incident Since Killing Trayvon Martin.”
Dear Juan: if Geller’s event got you all bent out of shape, you must’ve really cracked a joist reading about the Nuremberg Trials—they led to the deaths of TEN people.
Dear TP: boy, if only you guys had been in the headline business on July 19, 1969: “Rose Kennedy To Purchase New Transportation; Youngest Child Shows Some Swimming Ability.”
Actress Natalie Portman has been tapped to portray SCOTUS judge Ruth Bader Ginsburg in an upcoming movie. Coincidentally, her Thor co-star Chris Hemsworth is rumored to be the front runner for the starring role in The Winston Churchill Story.
Finally, sports enthusiasts in San Diego are growing nervous as the city government’s difficulties with crafting a football stadium deal persist. If they don’t come up with something fast, Charger fans will be forced to drive to Los Angeles to watch the team not win Super Bowls.