The other day a woman named Kate Steinle was shot and killed while walking with her father and a friend along a pier in San Francisco. The alleged perpetrator was an illegal alien who had previously been convicted of seven felonies and had been deported five times. He shouldn’t have been there, but thanks to San Francisco’s status as a Sanctuary City, he was. And BOOM.
The conservative media have been speculating about why President Obama has not telephoned his condolences to the Steinle family, or made a somber public statement, as he seems to do in almost every other case of death or injury in the United States. Heck, on a slow day he will call the mother of any child who happens to fall off his tricycle and suffer an owie on his knee.
Some have been unkind enough to suggest that because Ms. Steinle was, indirectly, a victim of Obama’s What the Hell immigration policy, he may be feeling a bit guilty. Or, if that is stretching the case, he may be feeling foolish, and is at a loss to think of anything he could say that doesn’t sound hypocritical. Or maybe he just doesn’t care.
I am here to tell you, thanks to my super-secret sources, that Obama did in fact make an attempt, though unsuccessful, to come up with just the right thing to say.
In a meeting with select aides, he initially suggested that he hold a press conference in the Rose Garden of the White House, and blame the death of Ms. Steinle on the police of Cambridge, Massachusetts. “The Cambridge police acted stupidly.”
He changed his mind after an aide persuaded him that the Cambridge police had nothing to do with the death of Ms. Steinle. The aides also swatted down statements blaming the police of Baltimore and Ferguson, Missouri.
Next the President proposed blaming the death on a video. “We have it on good authority that this unfortunate death was brought about because of the posting of a video on the YouTube channel, which recklessly inflamed the Hispanic gentleman who is alleged to have killed Ms. Steinway, through no fault of his own.” His aides then pointed out that there is no evidence that any video was involved. “Who needs evidence?” the President responded, but he was eventually brought around.
“Let’s go back to Square One,” Mr. Obama then said. “How about that boilerplate remark I always make in cases like this. ‘Mrs Obama and I want the Steinway family to know that our hearts and prayers go out to them.'”
His aides agreed that this could do no harm, although one of them had to tactfully point out that the President didn’t seem to know the victim’s correct name.
“Here’s another,” said the President, seemingly warming to the task: “If I had another daughter, she might have looked like Ms. Steinle.”
When it was pointed out that Ms. Steinle was a white woman, the President replied: “Then why are we bothering with this? How can this possibly increase the Democratic vote? I have no interest in victims who don’t look like me.”
Finally the group agreed that the President would simply issue the customary “hearts and prayers” statement, and leave it at that. There would be no phone call to the family.
But then the First Lady sent word that she didn’t care to be included in the statement. Something about white privilege, my sources tell me.
As his aides were trooping out of the Oval Office, the President picked up his phone and told his secretary: “Get me that woman who called to complain that Burger King served her a cold Whopper.”