One fine morning at the offices of Sharpton’s Community Unrest Management, a call comes in from a potential client. She selects option #2, and lands in the headset of a diligent young cubicle-dweller.
SCUM: Hello, Protests & Riots Department, James speaking.
PC: Hi, my name’s Lori. Do you handle civil rights violations?
SCUM: That depends, ma’am. Are you a victim reporting an incident, or are you looking to violate someone else’s civil rights?
PC: Um, I’m not sure I’m either…
SCUM: Just kidding! (laughs) It’s all the same to us. What can I do for you?
PC: Actually, I’d say I’m more of a concerned citizen here. I was hoping to report a few incidents that I think might qualify as civil rights violations.
SCUM: A few, huh? That’s great! Multi-victim Protest/Riots are every bit as fun as individual ones. The whole doing-your-civic-duty thing is also good, of course.
PC: Of course. Anyway, the first one happened at the local park last week. I was pushing my little nephew on a swing when I saw a brutal assault over at the basketball courts. Some stranger just walked up to a young man shooting baskets, forced the poor guy to the ground, gave him a real beat-down, and walked off after barely twenty seconds. I tried to comfort the victim, but he brushed me off. He wouldn’t even let me call an ambulance or the police for him, no matter how much I insisted.
SCUM: Good, so technically we can tell the press the cops wouldn’t get involved. Can I get a description from you?
PC: Of course not. I’ve never seen you.
SCUM: I meant a description of the two men.
PC: Then yes. The victim was late-teens to early-twenties, about 6’1, slender build, with short blond hair and blue eyes. The attacker w…
SCUM: Hold on…the victim was a white dude? Sorry, can’t help you with this one. What else you got?
PC: Um, well, my friend in college told me about three of her classmates who were date-raped by the same frat boy. Even though they reported the guy to the dean’s office, he’s still on campus as if nothing happened.
SCUM: Mm-hm, sounds like it was swept under the rug. Tell me, is this nasty bowl of scum-crunch some kind of big shot at the school?
PC: You could say that–he’s the star running back on the football team, transferred here from Grambling over the summer. I also heard…
SCUM: Whoa there, Seabiscuit. Grambling? You didn’t mention he was black! You must have the wrong guy, then.
PC: Nope, right guy. It was his DNA on the rape kits.
SCUM: Must’ve been planted.
PC: Nope. There’s video of him at a frat party the night of the first assault, serving the victim drinks and putting the moves on her.
SCUM: So? This is a strapping athlete we’re talking about. It was obviously consensual. Hell, if he offered me a drink, I’d probably want to tap some of that too, Laurie.
PC: Nope. Every victim tested positive for Rohypnol. And it’s “Lori,” actually.
SCUM: Oh, my bad. I don’t get how Rohypnol is relevant here, Lori. I mean, it’s not unusual for young women to be on the pill. What does this have to do with date-rape?
PC: Rohypnol is not a contraceptive, James, it’s a sedative. In fact, it’s commonly called “the date-rape drug.”
SCUM: Well, %&#*! I mean, sorry, but we’re going to need a lot more than this piddly, flimsy, circumstantial quasi-evidence you’ve described before we can devote any resources. You think destroying decent people’s livelihoods and ruining decades of social progress is cheap, Lori? It’s not like you can just walk into some “Anarchy ‘R Us” store and slip it into your trench coat! Please, next time show us something really concrete, you know, like the dude committing the act on tape while saying “I’m date-raping this chick” to the camera, or being a white guy. Do you have anything else to report that’s a little more, say, white-on-black?
PC: (sigh) Maybe. If my brother recently witnessed a group of white men torch his black friend’s house with Molotov cocktails, would that float your boat?
SCUM: You kidding? That’d fire up my Evinrude and right my rudder. Oh, sweetie, tell me all about it, and give details!
PC: Fine. So my brother was helping his black friend host a little get-together for the Young Republicans of Missouri at his home near Ferguson, when…
SCUM: %&#*! No details! Okay, you know what, Lori? I’m sorry, but we’re just unable to help you at this time.
PC: Oh, no need to apologize, James. I’ll just reach out to one of the other mayhem outfits out there, and talk with some other desk-riding douchebag. B’bye! (Click)