Why We Need Susan Rice
THE FOLLOWING TRANSCRIPT OF AN OVAL OFFICE CONVERSATION WAS PROVIDED BY A SOURCE WITHIN THE WHITE HOUSE. IT HAS BEEN SHOWN TO WHITE HOUSE SPOKESMAN JAY CARNEY, WHO DISPUTES ITS AUTHENTICITY, AND SPECIFICALLY DENIES THAT PRESIDENT OBAMA HAS EVER BEEN IN THE OVAL OFFICE.
THE PRESIDENT: Come in, Susan, I assume that you are prepared to present me with your first daily briefing as my national security advisor. The Republicans are sore at me for appointing you to that position, but they don’t have the authority to overrule me. My first rule in politics is: Never waste a good liar.
SUSAN RICE: Thank you, sir, I was up all night browsing videos on YouTube, and I have some really shocking discoveries to pass along.
THE PRESIDENT: Splendid. You can sit down, my dear.
SUSAN RICE: Please, Mr. President, you know that I am good friends with Michelle. I prefer to sit on a chair of my own.
THE PRESIDENT: (whispering) Very good, Susan. I suspect that that rat Holder tapes everything that gets said in this office. One can’t be too careful.
SUSAN RICE: First of all, sir, I want to tell you that Taylor Swift sang a duet with Mick Jagger at a Rolling Stones concert the other night in Chicago. They sang “As Tears Go By,” the old Marianne Faithfull hit.
THE PRESIDENT: Not too surprising. What are the national security implications?
SUSAN RICE: Well, I noticed that Keith Richards, who was playing acoustic guitar, remained seated on a chair during the entire number. Ronnie Wood, the other guitarist, was standing up, as usual.
THE PRESIDENT: Was it a big guitar? Those acoustics can be pretty bulky.
SUSAN RICE: Yes, but I don’t think that is why he was seated. I think he was sending a visual message to Islamic militants among the Uyghurs.
THE PRESIDENT: I beg your pardon. Who?
SUSAN RICE: They are Sunni Muslims living in China, sir. According to the CIA, not long after the performance went up on YouTube, a group of twelve Uyghurs entered a small bar in Xinjiang, occupied all the barstools and booths, and refused to buy anything. They just sat there, like Keith Richards.
THE PRESIDENT: Well, if they are observant Muslims, of course they wouldn’t drink. Maybe they were protesting the sale of liquor?
SUSAN RICE: But don’t you see, Keith Richards at least, and perhaps all the Stones and even Taylor Swift, appear to have fomented this sit-in. I think we should issue a statement apologizing to the Chinese government. That way, if the government sends out protesters to kill all the personnel in our embassy, our backsides will be covered.
THE PRESIDENT: I like the way you think, Susan. And when the bodies of our people are brought back to the United States, we can promise their families that we will put Taylor Swift in jail. Does she have any outstanding parking tickets? That could be good for at least a year in the Los Angeles hoosegow.
SUSAN RICE: I believe she is from Nashville, sir.
THE PRESIDENT: Well, be creative. I prefer to use L.A. as our dumping-ground. Tennessee is a red state. Also, I want you to go on the Sunday TV talk shows and explain what happened. If it happens, that is. You are good at that.
SUSAN RICE: Thank you, sir. And now may I get to the next item in my report?
THE PRESIDENT: Oh, bother! There’s more? I have a date to shoot hoops one-on-one with Kobe. I like Kobe, he lets me win once in a while.
SUSAN RICE: I don’t think this can wait, sir.
THE PRESIDENT: (Sounding extremely bored) Very well, what is it?
SUSAN RICE: There is a recent video on YouTube showing Miley Cyrus being interviewed in a sound studio by Ryan Seacrest. Not only is her hair dyed bright blonde, but it is cut very short, and her shoulders are bare….
THE REMAINDER OF THE TRANSCRIPT WAS BLACKED OUT BY OUR WHITE HOUSE SOURCE BECAUSE IT ALLEGEDLY CONTAINED MATERIAL DESCRIBED AS TOP SECRET.