Worn Out by Sayings?

Clichés can be so cliché, and worn-out sayings (“neat as a pin,” etc.) have worn out their welcome. Every time I hear one I start to get this, well, urge. A strange, powerful urge. Ever since adolescence, an almost unbearable, uncontrollable urge…to take all those trite phrases and give them a lil’ treatment:

Next time you’re in Hell you should check out some of Satan’s woodcrafts. Just look for the shop with the neon “Idle Hands” in the window.

Hitchhikers often get confused when I ask them if they’re feeling sore, but they’re the ones sticking out their thumbs.

It’s a good thing I remembered to buy apples this week; got all these doctors lurking around the house.

Until my whip gets an A in calculus, I’m not convinced.

The ophthalmologist in my hometown is amazing. Not only do all of his patients leave with 20/20 eyesight again, they say all it took was a peek at his receptionist’s hind.

Sure, the Fonz had a cool hairstyle, jacket, and bike, but you should’ve seen his cucumber.

People suffering from collapsed lungs all over the world might beg to differ on what the best medicine really is.

I’m not sure if anyone cares if clams are happy, but I know of a lot of people who like when they’re steamed.

Okay, feel free to cry if spilling it got you a spanking.

Overheard during the last major blackout: “Don’t worry, honey, once I light this candle it won’t be so #*!% dark.”

Life didn’t give me any lemons, now here I am stuck with all this useless sugar water.

Sign by library entrance: “No animals allowed except for mice.”

I absolutely would hurt a flea, and I don’t apologize for it.

Seems odd that the tracks at Churchill Downs and Belmont Park don’t get wet while the horses are racing.

I don’t know what a picture really is worth, but I can tell you no art dealer will accept an essay as payment.

Anyone else notice that it’s the least physically-fit people who look like fiddles?

Whoever it was who discovered what you can’t use to make a silk purse, I hope the ASPCA finds him and gives him a severe beating.

Could it be the horse you led there refused to drink because you put the cart before him or because he was concerned something might happen mid-stream?

You know, come to think of it, I’ve never seen anyone throw Keith Richards or Mick Jagger out of a glass house.

Well, I’m pleased as punch you stopped by, and hope the rest of your day is smooth sailing.