One Small Step for Man, One Giant Step for Nut Jobs

Space CadetEvery now and then someone comes up with a really, really good idea.  It doesn’t happen often, but when it does, it’s worth taking note.

Here’s the best one I’ve heard in a long time.  Iran’s president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, wants to be shot into space.  He wants to be the country’s first astronut … oops … astsronaut.

“I am ready to be the first human to be sent to space by Iranian scientists,” he said, according to a report by Reuters.

About a week ago, Iran sent a monkey into space.  In 2010, it sent a mouse, a turtle and worms into space.  There’s a cheap joke here somewhere but taking a stab at it is beneath me.

If this isn’t simply more crazy talk from Iran’s crazy president he not only would be his country’s first human in space, he would also be it’s first chucklehead in space.

When Ahmadinejad visited New York a while back the streets were gridlocked what with all the security measures the authorities were taking.  But he managed to make all his appointments without being late to even one.  How did he do it?  They let him drive in the Holocaust Denier Lane.

I promised I wouldn’t make any cheap jokes at Mahmoud’s expense and I didn’t.  That was Jon Stewart’s cheap joke.  I just report the news.

And if he does go up in a rocket he’ll need a special interpreter to share his thoughts with the world – someone who can lie in two languages.

Hey, blame that one on Jay Leno.

Finally – and this is both important and really, really serious — my friend and reliable source (who I will call Burt) tells me Ahmadinejad’s announcement was greeted with great rejoicing by cheering millions in the streets of Iran — until word went out that he intended to return.

Insert rim shot here — and then re-read the headline above.

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  • Jo Scott-Bell

    My only request if the nutjob does go into space, is that he take President Obama with him. Let the aliens figure out what to do with both of them!
    Love ya, Bernie, and have for years. You’re a voice of reason in a vast wilderness of idiocy and lunacy.

  • ricky89ja

    It would be good if you learn to spell before criticising. There’s no such word as astsronaut.

  • Paul Courtney

    I’ve really been chewing on this, but it’s tough to work with this material. Okay, a shia mouse, a sunni turtle, and a peace-loving, moderate bunch of muslim worms enter a galactic bar. The bartender, speaking farsi, asks, “what’ll it be?” The mouse says, also in farsi, “God willing, the throat of this blasphemous turtle should be cut.” The turtle, also in farsi, says, “Allah be praised, this unbelieving mouse should be put to death.” The bartender, “what about the worms?” The mouse and turtle laugh, and say “they only exist when we speak english.”

  • Bonnie Thomas Usrey

    Very funny Bernie, even if you did “steal’ the jokes! I wonder why no one ever reminds the newer generations that Ahmadinejad was one of the terrorists aka: “students” who held our citizens as hostages in Iran during the Jimmy Carter administration. I believe they were held for over a year? They were released immediately when Ronald Reagan took over as President. The entire world knows that Democrats are “light in the loafers” when it comes to National Security, but it appears some voters are willing to give up security and freedom for free stuff from the Government. They might be the 47% that Mitt Romney referred to and was crucified by the Press for telling the truth. Ahmadinejad will “get his” eventually, but the UN just LOVES him, and sending him to outer space, at his request, sounds good to me. If there is life on Mars, they will send him back!

  • EddieD_Boston

    Why doesn’t the CIA put a bullet in his head?

  • marcia

    Sorry Bernie…it wasn’t beneath ME!

  • marcia

    Actually, if you compare the monkey and ahmadinejad, the theory of evolution goes out the window…the monkey is much brighter!

  • Phil Silverman

    “I just report the news”. Here? On Fox?? you old kibitzer!! :)

  • caholicvoter

    Good one Burt! I saw your buddy Bernie on O’Reilly last night. Regarding the Menendez coverage, the only thing I’d disagree with is that if we do not have people in power with strong character we cannot have a free country. And if the media do not hold those in power accountable, who will? Still love ya Bernie and I still go out of my way to see you every Monday.

  • worldwatchers

    I thought it was quite clever tweeted by John McCain but
    of course he is a Republican so the left jumped all over him while leaving
    their third favorite hero the president of Iran . It has to be genetic disorder that the liberals possess. Whatever
    the reason could they vilify a man who served his country in Vietnam as a prisoner as a member of Congress
    with distinguished credentials and yet they prefer Iran
    so sad America.

  • Iklwa

    What did the Iranian space worms, turtle, mouse and monkey
    say when they saw Mahmoud Ahmadinejad dressed as an astronaut?
    Nothing, they just looked at each other and stepped aside.

    And this is the guy who wants nuclear weapons to rid the Earth of Jews???

    I wonder if we could buy him a ticket on the next North Korean test launch.

    I know of your friend “Burt”.
    He is a troublemaker of the first order.
    You both need to cool your jets because you could be construed as instigators of Muslim violence…in which case you could wake up with a Hellfire missile in your bedroom.
    You know, to protect the State.

    Meanwhile: “…As always, should you or any of your force be caught or killed, the Secretary will disavow any knowledge of your actions.”

    I have to put that in there now as I am afraid government agents have put me on a “list” from talking with you guys. I don’t want a drone circling over my house too.

  • Souvoter

    That Burt! He always has the best zingers! It wouldn’t hurt the belt-way Republicans to adopt a few of their own. Some to explain conservatism that will stick with the uninformed voters!

  • Iowa48

    Rim shot, badda boom.

    • catholicvoter

      Love your picture! It’s adorable.

  • Paul Union Ky.

    Bernie, Thanks for the laugh…..I was having a bad day until I read this….

  • IIIpercent

    Hey what do we have all those airbore lasers for if not for just this ideal testing opportunity?

  • New Yorker

    I was heartened to see Bernie actually disagree with O’Reilly about the Menendez coverage…Good to see Bernie not roll over for O’Reilly’s stupidity.

  • Hondo

    Goldberg is wrong. he should go into spae and not comeback. I Goldberg is a cheap jw rom Hester Street I can pay for he trip.

    • New Yorker

      Hondo…you need to get back on your medication ASAP…

  • turtl2

    I just knew, before reading the piece, that the name Burt HAD to turn up in it. He never misses, what a great line!

    • Burt Prelutsky

      turtl2: Somehow you managed to crack the code. Thanks for the thumbs-up. Regards, Burt

  • michael lofrano

    I guess Freudian slips can occur while writing too: Astronut. The truth is I think it is a good idea for Ahmadinejad to be shot in two space. Iran’s first and second Astronaut.

    • Burt Prelutsky

      Michael: Please, sir. That wasn’t a Freudian slip or a typo. Give Bernie some credit.


      • michael lofrano

        Of course, Bernie did not slip. That was obvious. I guess the real intent of my comment escaped you.

        • Burt Prelutsky

          Michael: I’m afraid you’re right. I just re-read it and I still don’t get the intent of your remark about the Freudian slip.


          • michael lofrano

            Burt. If I have to explain this than I wasn’t very good at making my point. Of course, that is my fault and not yours. The idea was that I also engaged in a “Freudian slip” by saying I wanted “Ahmadinejad to be shot in TWO:” as opposed to “shot in TO”. Ahmadinejad in two pieces. Iran’s first and second astronaut.

            None of this is important. But I didn’t want to think I was ignoring you.

      • David Raftis

        He can be shot into space four Iran. Into four pieces. Sorry Burt. I couldn’t resist.

  • Curt Parker

    Sometimes the facts in a news story speak for themselves and even brilliant comments add little to the narrative. This is one of those times. Godspeed, Mahmoud.

  • Ted Crawford

    How Odd! The progression seemed to be going in the appropiate direction , from lower to higher life form, I wonder why the reversal of course is being considered

  • John Detwiler

    Bernard, you are the greatest. Not only are you the only journalist I have any respect but every thing you say makes sense even with the great humor you inject.

  • Joel

    Chris Kyle was an NRA Life member. How about the Democrats honor his memory and service to the country by laying off the NRA? Just a thought.

  • RickonhisHarleyJohnson

    My laugh for the day. Thanks Bernie.

  • Johnny Deadline

    if Mahmoud Ahmadinejad , the great Persian liar and Holocaust denier, really wants to be shot into space, I suspect many in both Israel and the U.S. would be happy to ante up for the rocket to send him there. If the monkey beats Mahmoud back, he can finish out the rest of the Iranian president’s term. Like anyone would notice the difference.

  • rwmofo

    Since the Iranians are so far behind in this type of technology, let’s keep our fingers crossed. Maybe they still haven’t figured out how to get back.